The guy in today’s request just could not stop talking about that old girlfriend from TEN YEARS AGO…right up until Cece brought it up. And then he dumped Cece. Did he have Ex issues? Anger issues? What the hell happened? Let’s find out.
Dear Jeff,
So I had been dating a guy for about six months, we got along smashingly, great chemistry, yada yada but he would constantly tell stories about an ex from 10 yrs. ago.
Hm. Er…ten years is an awfully long time ago, to be “constantly” telling stories. I mean, when I first started dating my lady fair, a lot of my stories included my ex. But that was because a lot of the previous 8 years of my life had involved her. There wasn’t, you know, an entire DECADE in between the two of them in which to develop stories to tell, you know?
Initially they were very funny & didn’t bother but then he started blatantly comparing me to her & when he finally told me the break up story was actually still quite angry about it & very confused ie, sounded like he missed her but described her as a witch.
Um, wow. Blatantly comparing you to her like…how? Like, “Boy, these pancakes are great — my ex used to make them with little butterscotch chips in ‘em,” or more like, “Boy, that sex was great — my ex used to do this thing with her toes that would…“? Either way, it’s obviously not ideal for you to have to listen to.
When I tried to discuss it with him openly and expressing it made me a little uncomfortable …guess what… he broke up with me & was pretty nasty about it too…
Interesting. When Liz and I had that discussion, it was pretty quick, not entirely painless, and most certainly did NOT result in breaking up. I understood the issue– even though in my case I was over the ex, it was now the time to be making our OWN stories, and even if this means that I basically can’t talk about the past at all (for a while), well, then that’s what it means. There was certainly no reason for ME to get nasty about it like your dude did. Which brings us to your question:
Was I dating a guy who had issues with his ex, anger management issues or both? I was totally floored by this b/c he really did seem like a great guy & nothing like this has ever happened to me before.
THNX,
Cece
Cece
Dear Cece,
Well, you ask a good question — Ex issues or Anger issues? Oh, like it can’t be both. Let’s take a look at this:
EX ISSUES, or: TEN YEARS!!!!!??
As I said, there was a period at the beginning of my current relationship when I just flat didn’t HAVE any recent stories that didn’t involve, in some way, the ex. But Cece, your dude had an entire friggin’ decade in which storyable stuff could happen. He couldn’t think of ANYTHING to talk about but HER? Why might that be? As far as I can tell, either:
- He was kept in a dungeon for the past 10 years. Or an isolation tank. Or prison.
- He is still obsessed with her.
I’m betting on #2, but only because I’m mildly risk-averse. (The upside of that is that I’m not in the stock market right now. Yay fear!)
ANGER ISSUES
Well, you know what? I don’t know if he has anger ISSUES. I just think he has ANGER. As in, you poked him right in his sore spot. I’m quite sure that HE doesn’t think he has Ex issues, lawdy-lawd no. I’m sure that he thinks he’s just as fit as an effing fiddle, to (nearly) quote Grady Tripp.
So when you brought up, “Say, erm, when you bring up an ex of ten friggin’ years ago, uhm, it’s kinda weird,” he flipped out. How dare you bring up that tendency I’ve got that I totally don’t have because I’m as fit as an effing fiddle, sure I am!
MANSLATION: GET OVER IT, FELLA, AND THEN TALK TO US
Sounds like you figured it out, Cece. He was still hung up on her. And since the two of you were getting along so well, he wanted to share with you what was on his mind. Unfortunately, what was on his mind…was her. Still. For ten years. Lucky you! And lucky him, too! (And lucky Ex, who seems to have ducked out of the whole situation for a decade!)
The good news is, he’s gone now, and you’re free to find a man who is interested in you. And he’s free to find a woman to whom he can whine. Or maybe you can wait ten years until he’s telling some other woman all about YOU. It’s win-win!
Ever been with a guy who wasn’t over the ex, even after that many years? What happened?
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