Well, lucky for you, this manslation will not require that I actually GO to a dance floor. That’s always a big mistake for me. Not that I’m not, you know, awesome. Of course I am, how could I be otherwise? It’s just that…errr…I don’t want to make the other dancers feel bad. Yeah, that’s the ticket….
Anyway, a reader named Vika had an interaction with a guy, one way ON the dance floor, and entirely another way OFF it. What happened there? Let’s take this thing apart, manslator-style, ok? Great.
Hi Jeff!
I really hope you can give me a bit of insight into the male mind.
Boy, I hope that as well. Otherwise, what are we all doing here?
Here’s the situation:
I went to a party. I met a boy. Let’s call him C. In a few words - the night started out hot-hot-hot, and ended with me feeling “unwanted”, for lack of a better word.
I’ll bet I’ve got this thing sewed up already, but write on. I’ll seal my answer in an envelope and mail it to myself for 5 minutes from now and see if I was right…
The party started out at a pub, and we got on really well early on in the evening - we drank our beers and talked about this and that. I didn’t focus all my attention on him and included other people in our conversation. The plan for the evening was to go clubbing around midnight, so C and his mates decided to go get some takeout or whatever before everyone headed to the dance floor. Before he left he came up to me and informed me of where he’s going and that he’ll see me later tonight. Cool.
All is well so far. And by your idiom (“got on really well” and his “mates”) I can sense that you’re not from ’round these parts. Europe, perhaps? Wherever it is, welcome!
I didn’t really give him a second thought until I saw him across the dance floor later that night. I was dancing with my girlfriends at the time, but I went over to say hi when he waved at me with a huge smile on his face. Before I knew it I spent the entire night dancing with C. He offered to buy me a drink at one point during the night, but I insisted on paying for the drink myself, which he easily let me. (This left me a tiny bit confused as usually guys I go out with firmly insist of paying for my drinks.)
Vika, Vika, Vika. This is one of the reasons why you people confuse men so. You “insisted” upon paying for your drink, but then were surprised when he didn’t…I don’t know, mega-insist you not to pay for it?
Though I would agree that a lot of guys would go for the re-insist in this situation. Especially if you’re doing of those half-hearted “I’m sort of reaching for my money, and sort of hoping you’ll buy me a drink” moments which, yeah, we know about.
I should also point out that we didn’t start kissing until well into the night, and neither of us was drunk. Sure, maybe tipsy, but not drunk. He held my hand the entire night and wouldn’t let me even dance on my own. He even held my hand when we walked out of the club to meet his friends. And that’s when things started to get confusing.
Firstly, he didn’t introduce me to his friends. He just started talking and laughing with them, leaving me just standing there feeling goofy. I later introduced myself to everyone. In the taxi ride home, he kissed me in front of his friends, and had his arm around me, but when we got back to his place for the after party, I was again left out in the cold. Secondly, during the small after-party, C and his mates were discussing a party they were throwing next week and the people they were going to invite. Later when he was walking me home he casually said I can come to the party if I wanted to. Made me feel like he didn’t want me to go.
And thirdly, at the door, he kissed me on the cheek! That’s the confusing bit. And before he left, I did something I regret now - I remembered that we hadn’t exchanged number and pointed that out to him. D’oh! I never do that sort of thing! Anyway, he let me put my number into his phone. But safe to say I have a feeling he won’t call.
Anyways, the question is - what the hell happened between the dance floor and the goodnight kiss on the cheek? All these mixed signals… it’s probably much more simple that I make it out to be, but please, manslate this situation for me!
Ciao,
Vika
Vika
Dear Vika,
Well, first off, let’s tear open this envelope, and see how close I came to getting it right…
He wanted to sleep with you, but later discovered that he wasn’t interested enough to do all the stuff he imagined he’d have to do to get into bed, and so he cooled off in order to make a clean getaway.
Mm….I’ll give myself a B minus for that one. It’s not “wrong” but it doesn’t explain anything. That’s what 90% of missed connections are all about in any bar/dance club/rodeos you might go to. Let me see what I can do to make it a little clearer.
THE IDIOT FRIENDS
I’m not saying that in a mean way, either. We all have our idiot friends. The people who we hang out with, with whom we are morons, and vice versa. When he found himself with you AND them, it seems pretty clear that he picked them.
And I’m guessing that he had that realization himself pretty much when you did. Let’s do the timeline:
DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION
On the dance floor, he was obviously interested in you physically in some way or another. At that point, though, there was NO way to tell whether or not he wanted anything else. Doesn’t matter how fun it was, doesn’t matter how hot it was, there was just no way to gather any evidence on whether or not he wanted anything but the booty.
AFTER THE DANCIN’ WAS THRU
You two went outside with his pals. And his level of interest became clearer. Had he really liked you, one of two things would likely have happened:
- He’d have introduced you to all the friends and made you feel welcome, or
- He’d have ditched his pals, and gone off with you alone. (This one has always been my preferred method. It’s like, “Hey, you guys are nice and all, but…GIRL. You know?”)
I’m not saying those things guarantee he’d be for real. But if he didn’t do either, it’s not so good. And here’s what he did:
At this point he:
- …forgot to (or just didn’t) introduce you to his pals.
- …made out with you a little in the cab (not exactly Romeo material)
- …semi-ignored you at the after party
- …gave you a half-assed non-invitation to the next party.
- …”forgot” to ask for your number.
SO WHA HAPPA?
The short answer? Nothing. His feelings and/or intentions didn’t change at all. What happened is that the circumstances changed, and that REVEALED how he felt about you. On the dance floor, there was no way to tease out the true information. Once you saw him with his pals, you got all the evidence you needed.
LESSON: MORE INFO IS ALWAYS BETTER
In this case, his behavior on the dance floor didn’t really tell you enough to figure out what he was about. His behavior could have been exactly the same if he liked you, didn’t like you, wasn’t sure if he liked you, wanted to invite you to join a cult, whatever.
But once you saw him in another circumstance, again, it didn’t change him. It just revealed where he was at.
Good luck, Vika!
Oh, ladies? Ever have this on/off switch happen at a club? When do you know if he’s for real?
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