If Only The Time Was Right…



A lot of us have had that one in our lives — usually it’s someone we met when we were young, and we always wondered…what if? A reader named Liz has a guy who keeps on coming back every once in a while, and she’s wondering if they are The One for each other. Let’s take a look at the evidence, before we gavel this baby into a state of manslative submission.
Dear Jeff,
I probably already know the answer to my question. However, I just need it confirmed…
I have a very close friend. We were each other’s first kiss when we were young teens. But it’s not one of those classic tales of childhood friendship you see in the movies. Kevin and I don’t live in the same part of the country so when we met, and shared a kiss, it was an intense moment for the both of us. Fast forward to my freshman year in college and who do I see? The boy I first kissed when I was 14, someone I never thought I’d see again. Just imagine the intensity of those emotions. We dated a bit, broke up, and I transfered to a college closer to home. Fast forward a few more years later, as I was about to graduate college, guess who pops up as a match on a dating website? You guessed it! Kevin. We spent one very intense valentine’s weekend together, but it wasn’t all roses and chocolates at Ghirardelli square. To give you a hint — I was diagnosed with a brain tumor 4 months later.
Holy crap!
Relax! The tumor was benign, treatments went well and I’m in perfect health.
Whew.
And in nursing school, to boot! Perhaps about 2 years after our weekend, I emailed Kevin again. We didn’t end on good terms that last time but after surviving surgery and treatments, I wanted to reconnect and make amends with people in my past. Kevin was thrilled to hear from me and through instant messanger, and now myspace and facebook, we are now comfortable and close friends.
(Thank you, social networking, for once again making it possible to reconnect with people who we just can’t leave behind.)
Kevin and I will always have a special place in each others hearts. And the connection we felt for each other is still as intense as it was when we were teenagers of 14 and 16, even though we are now 28 and 30. I find that before and after every relationship of mine, I virtually “run” to him, just to talk and bounce ideas. He does the same. He is someone I admire and respect deeply and the feelings are mutual for him. On paper, everything should be the formula for success. Even eHarmony matched us! We both realize that being together hasn’t worked in the past, so it probably won’t work in the future. I love him deeply, but he can be increadibly selfish and self-centered. I think he feels the same, but is afraid I might do something crazy that would dissapoint him and hurt him. Both of us are extremely guarded with our hearts.
Some where, deep in my heart, do I think that perhaps Kevin and I are truely the Ones for each other, but maybe we both need a little more time to grow up. I would love to give things another try with Kevin, but I have my fears. Kevin won’t even consider it. But yet, deep down, I think that maybe he will one day wake up and realize what a jewel he has in me and realize that, even with my flaws, that I’m damn close to being the woman he wants.
I’m afraid I’m a bit deluded. I don’t want to be, because that would be dissapointing and really dash my hopes for a love based on communication,trust and respect, not to mention hot sex. But part of me is saying that it’s never going to happen. And I’m not going to wait around to see if it will.
What do you think?
Liz
Married, but looking? Try to find you new friend in the follwoing states

Dear Liz,
We’ve all had at least one of these “If only the time was right” relationships before. Not fun, huh? A couple of things stand out from your note:
1. HE WON’T CONSIDER IT
That’s kind of a dealbreaker, I’d say, right? I mean, unless you have access to chloroform and handcuffs, well, he’s going to HAVE to consider it or else where are you? (And if you do have those things, well, you can just skip reading the rest — you’re all set!) Don’t get caught up in a situation where you are thinking, “How come he doesn’t realize that he loves me?” So many women I know have driven themselves WAY too nuts with that one.
2. LIKE A BAD PENNY
The whole thing where you keep running into each other…right after every disappointment. In my life, and in the situations with friends I’ve known, this usually happens when you aren’t REALLY serious about each other, you’re just a really soothing salve for the other’s loneliness. Not that he doesn’t care about you — clearly he does, you guys certainly share some kind of a connection. But if he felt that this was the “It of all Its”, he’d make it happen. He’d have to. But instead, it seems that he is content to wonder what it MIGHT be like. And so do you, sorta.
VERDICT: THE ONE? OR JUST THE ONE YOU FALL BACK ON?
I guess the point I’m making is, in a situation like this, it seems like he’s being pretty straight with you. Or trying to be. I think the evidence that he doesn’t see this one as the One (and maybe neither do you, now that I think of it) is that there doesn’t seem to be the burning need to make this thing official.
Honestly, I’d consider holding out for the person with whom this current state of affairs wouldn’t be enough. If you two were the right fit, I really think you’d both know it and act like it.
Good luck, Liz. Sorry it’s not the greatest news, but as you say, you’re not going to wait around for this. It’s not worth waiting around for someone to hopefully realize that they’re madly in love with you. If it happens, great, but it’s not worth waiting around for it.
Is this a case of The One, ladies? Or is it just a nostalgic mirage?

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