A reader who’s Feeling Frisky wants to understand how long you have to wait on the sex before you can be reasonably sure a guy isn’t only in it for the sex. Oh sure, a nice simple one for Friday. Sheesh.
You’ve addressed the when can we have sex question in your column(whenever you want) but one thing you mentioned is that by waiting the man’s intentions may be revealed and you can weed out players. I expect there isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer, but can you ballpark it for me — how much time is long enough to separate the ones who only want to get into your panties from the ones who aren’t so likely to bolt post-nookie? (I saw one book say 90 days — not sure I can hold out that long.)
Sign me — Feeling Frisky
Dear FeeFri,
Well, as you referenced in your very first sentence, I have officially given women the green light to have sex with men anytime they feel like it. You can be very, very sure that having sex with a man will NOT actually change how he feels about you. As in, if he bails after, he was going to bail before. The sex didn’t change anything. What changed was that he got what he was after…and then he left. Simple, right?
And yes, if you hold off on sex, you might learn about a man’s feelings for you. Remember, if a guy is a player, he’s looking to keep your NON-sex time to an absolute minimum.
THINNING THE HERD
When you’re thinking players, think predator and prey. A predator goes after the weaker members of the herd. A predator doesn’t go after the one that looks like it will be a giant pain in the ass to deal with. Why? Because a predator isn’t about getting cute, it’s about WINNING.
Same thing with players. They’re about getting you. And if they believe that they’re going to have to put in too many non-sex hours, well, they’ll lose interest.
This is, by the way, the reason I don’t advocate women getting men to “chase” them. The kind of guy you’ll get to chase you is the kind of guy who thinks of you as a wounded gazelle he’d like to sink his claws into. If you know what I mean.
WARNING: THIS ISN’T JUST ABOUT PLAYERS
But see, that’s just about the guys who have little intention of sticking around. But there are plenty of guys — and I’ve been one of them — who just don’t know how interested they are (or aren’t) until after the sex. The sex doesn’t change how we feel. It just takes the whole ‘goal’ part off the table, revealing to us what’s left.
Aaaaaand, poof.
Lots of guys truly don’t even KNOW that they don’t want a relationship with you until after sex. It’s like sharks. Most shark attacks happen because the shark took a bite out of the swimmer to SEE if they wanted to eat it. They literally didn’t know until after taking a big ol’ chomp.
Now, usually this is very, very early in the dating process, of course. And it’s usually pretty hot up to this point. But how long?
SO THEN…90 DAYS?
Good lord, no. I mean…I can’t imagine a situation in which that’s necessary. Seriously. The players? You can probably weed out a player with a handful non-sex dates. You’ll see it on them. It’s one thing to be anxious about getting to the sex. It’s quite another to be impatiently enduring all the blah-blah-blah until you finally get what you’re after.
But it’s the other guys, though. There’s no great way to weed them out because they don’t even know they’re not serious themselves.
IT’S NOT THE YEARS, IT’S THE MILEAGE
Honestly, it’s not about how long you wait. It’s about how much of his focus is ONLY on getting you into bed. If all that you know about a guy is that he really, REALLY wants to get into your pants, I mean, you really don’t know anything, do you? I’d say that once you’re satisfied that:
- …you want to do sex unto him, and
- …he clearly enjoys spending non-sex time with you as an event in and of itself
…you’re probably ok. Foolproof? No. But when has love ever been foolproof?
What’s your gauge, ladies? How long do you wait? Ten minutes? Ten years? Hello?
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