It seems like they had such a great time together. He said all the right stuff, they made out, all was well. But it turns out he wasn’t very interested at all. So how could her perception be this off on this? Lee wants to know, and I think my lady fair has helped me understand this very thing. Here’s the expanded deets of the sitch (if you’re not into the whole “complete words” thing.)
Hi, Recently, I got on match.com and emailed a cute guy. He’s 50, divorced, 12 yo daughter. I am 59 with a grown daughter. He looks 30; I look about 35.He asked me out via email —a last minute drink. I went. We really hit if off, or I thought we did.
He was amazed how “beautiful ” I was, and we had fun talking. After drinks, he asked me if
I wanted to make-out. I did. We went to his place and were VERY passionate with each other.
I thought we really connected or so he said we did, but after a few days, he didn’t call.
I wanted to make-out. I did. We went to his place and were VERY passionate with each other.
I thought we really connected or so he said we did, but after a few days, he didn’t call.
Then, I text’ed him something sexy; he responded with a sexy comment. Two days later,
I accidentally called him–trying out a new phone…Anyway, he said that he’d call when his
daughter was out of town… She’s only in town 2 weeks, but, the thing is, I now feel like a
FOOL.
I accidentally called him–trying out a new phone…Anyway, he said that he’d call when his
daughter was out of town… She’s only in town 2 weeks, but, the thing is, I now feel like a
FOOL.
I feel utterly rejected, based on your question #2. It seemed like we both really hit it off,
and I wonder how my perception could be so far off. It’s been about 5 days, and he
hasn’t called, and now, after reading your 2 answers, I’m afraid that he is simply NOT
interested. How could my perception be so so so far off?
and I wonder how my perception could be so far off. It’s been about 5 days, and he
hasn’t called, and now, after reading your 2 answers, I’m afraid that he is simply NOT
interested. How could my perception be so so so far off?
lee
Dear lee,
Ok, first of all, don’t feel like a fool about this. This right here is one of the biggest misunderstandings between menfolk and womenfolk (on both sides of the aisle) and there is zero shame when it happens to you. The good news is, there IS an explanation for how your perception of his interest could be so out of whack with, you know, “reality.” It’s partly about him, and it’s partly about you.
ABOUT HIM: SEX, UNPLUGGED
As in, unplugged from “interest.” Many men seem to have a very clear line drawn in their brains between SEXUAL interest and ROMANTIC interest. Not literally — any actual lines drawn on their brains would almost certainly require surgery. But figuratively, the line is there. It’s just how we do. It doesn’t mean that these two types of interest are mutually exclusive, or that they cancel each other out. Not at all. It just means that they function completely independently of one another.
(MANSLATOR’S NOTE: If it helps any, picture the Swedish Chef from the old Muppet Show. His left hand and his right hand are not worked by the same muppeteer. I’m not sure how that can possibly help you understand this, but who ever was harmed by picturing a muppet? Not one damn person, that’s who.)
The point is that all that stuff he was saying (hmm…what’s that I often write about what a guy SAYS vs. what he DOES again?) was not in some vacuum. It was said for a very specific purpose. He wanted to make out, and after he said some stuff, you did. “Mission Accomplished” (as they say when wars are totally won.) And then you didn’t hear from him until you “accidentally” called him. (Somewhere, somehow, Sigmund Freud is high-fiving someone on that “accidental” call.)
ABOUT YOU: HOW COME HE DOESN’T KNOW WE’RE IN LOVE?
My betrothed one and I were discussing a particularly tough manslation a while back, and she pointed out that some women seem to project their emotions outside of their own body in some of these cases. As in, it’s not that SHE feels romantic interest for HIM. It’s that THERE IS romantic interest BETWEEN them. Like, their romance is some flying jellyfish that exists out there, bigger than the both of them, and they are both engulfed in it. In the flying jellyfish, I’m saying. (Man, I think my metaphorer is off this week…)
This sometimes leads to some women almost seeming to doubt their own eyes. As in, “Look, I know he’s not showing the slightest bit of interest, but I’m telling you, we are IN LOVE. How come he doesn’t know it?”
The reason, of course, is that “we” are not in anything. You feel X, and he feels Y, and he somehow figures out that he has to say Z in order to get the access codes to your undies. (You know, the codes that you carry in that briefcase, in the event the Russians launch a first strike, and…you somehow figure that launching your genitals at them would be our only hope. Ok, I’ve got to get this metaphor thing under control, sure, I get that.)
VERDICT: PERFECT STORM OF MANSLATIVE DISSONANCE
The important thing to remember is this: if all you have to go on is what he is SAYING, well, you don’t have much to go on. You need to read the actions. With only his words and your feelings, you’re just never going to have enough information to figure him out.
Good luck, lee!
How’s your perception in this area, ladies? Calibrated pretty well? How do you do it?
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