Can a guy just “flip a switch” and move past their last relationship? Probably not a physical switch, if that’s what you’re asking. But surely you are not. Are men superpowered in some way that women are not? (FYI: I’m picturing Batman with a utility belt filled with relationship rehab materials — i.e. booze, adult cinema, a 52″ LCD TV, you know, the essentials.) Sarah wants to know, because her ex sure seemed to have some special abilities in that area. Let’s see if she’s right, or if she’s just missing the signs…
Hi Jeff,
This site is really cool; love it! Anyway, I am curious- does it take girls longer than guys to get over someone? Or I guess it depends on the person?
Well, I guess I’d say…oh…hold on, it appears that you’ve written just a bit more. Proceed…
So I met this guy and for about a month, and we saw each other almost every single day. He would text me sweet things such as “I’ve never met a girl like you” and would ask me what I was doing almost every single night to see if I could hang out. And when we were together, we could do absolutely nothing and have the best time ever. We just hit it off unbelievably well. Great chemistry. And the attraction was definitely there too. People who knew the guy would tell me how crazy he was about me. And he himself had no shame in telling me that he definitely didn’t mind other people calling me his girl. I had only given this guy a couple of pecks on the lips. Even though I liked the guy, I really held back.
Just a side note — I’m not sure why you felt the need to hold back, exactly. Of course, your request seems to be about a breakup, so what the hell do I know, right? Onward!
So here is where things go sour. One night, I went to my girlfriend’s party, had a little too much to drink, and hooked up with a guy (no sex, mostly making-out). I had a couple of hickeys on my neck and the guy that liked me saw. Later that same day, he texted me that he was kind of hurt when he saw, and so I texted him back and called him. I left him a message pretty much saying that 1) we are not exclusive 2) I am a freshman in college and 3) I care about you and I am sorry I hurt you, can we meet up so we can talk?
Wow. And women complain about mixed signals from men.
He didn’t call, but texted me two days later and told me he wasn’t mad at me. He ignored the part where I wanted to talk to him one on one, in person though. I saw him a couple of days later just by chance, and it was awkward. I felt as if there was a wall between us. And he kind of ignored me.
Yeah, and I’ll bet that all the talk about him not being mad at you may have been somewhere to the East of Truthsville.
I tried to reach out once more because I realized I really care about the guy and I missed hanging out with him. A lot. I didn’t want that wall there. I left him another voicemail, pleading to him to meet up over lunch or coffee to talk and make what was wrong right. He never returned my call. He texted me telling me not to trip out. He was like…we’re friends right…I’m down to hang out whenever, so just call. The response wasn’t what I was looking for, and I didn’t know what to think.
Actually, it sounds a little bit like your response after getting hickied (p.s. I didn’t know folks still even did that. Bravo!) Kind of along the lines of, “Hey, no biggie, we’re young, we’re fine, no worries.” Don’t know if it was true or not, but it was what they call in the military a “proportional response.” You blow up one of my bridges, and I blow up one of your roads. Even steven, everybody’s cool. (I mean…unless you’re driving that day.)
I’ve seen him a couple of times more now in casual group settings…sometimes we talk as if nothing happened. Sometimes we ignore each other.
Yuck. Either denial of the situation or of each other’s existence. Not great.
I’m hurting now. I miss him. How does this guy go from “I’ve never met a girl like you” and not denying people’s comments that I am his girl when I am not to completely losing interest in me?
Erm…I have a minor theory on that. I don’t want to spoil it, but it involves “hickies.”
He obviously is not putting the effort into fixing this, and I am not going to keep hoping things will be the way they were at this point. I’m trying not to hold on to how I feel, but look at what I deserve. And I deserve better than a guy who flipped out because I just kissed another guy one night! But…I can’t lie, I still miss him and think about him. If he felt the same, he would have responded to my voicemails. And made a bigger effort, right? Did I just hurt his pride? Can a guy just move on with the snap of a finger?
Dear Sarah,
Well, to answer your very general question, I do NOT think that guys “in general” can move on with the snap of a finger. I know that was never a big skill of mine. For me, it’s taken anywhere from a couple of months to a couple of YEARS. You might not see visible evidence of this from across the street, depending upon the guy. But guys have a really tough time with getting over someone, just like women do.
But that’s just generalities. Let’s get to your specific situation.
EMOTIONAL EMBARRASSMENT
For a lot of guys, when they get their feelings hurt, one of the primary emotions is embarrassment. They feel like they LOOK like idiots for being so into you, when you were so seemingly not into them.
One result of this is the, “Hey, that’s cool. I’m fine. We’re all pals here!” deal. I’ve done it myself. It’s the old, “Never let them see you whimper.” Sounds like that’s what happened here with you two. His first reaction was to tell you he was hurt. You kind of smacked him down a little with the, “Hey, I’m young, we’re not exclusive…” and that’s when he clammed up on the hurt feelings.
DESERVING BETTER
You say you “deserve better” than a guy who flipped out because you kissed another guy. Well, let me just say that I’m pretty sure that my lady fair would absolutely flip out if I kissed someone else, and I promise you — she is WAY better than I deserve.
The point that I’m making is, making out with some other dude might not have been a big deal to you, but that has nothing to do with what HE is going to think about the whole thing. Nothing whatsoever.
It seems pretty clear to me that whatever he was feeling for you before, it changed that day. It could very well be that you hurt his pride. Could be that you broke his heart. Could be that you pissed him off. Could be that you embarrassed him. Who knows? All we know is that before that moment he behaved one way, and afterwards he behaved entirely differently.
FOOL ME ONCE SHAME ON YOU…FOOL ME TWICE…YOU DON’T GET FOOLED AGAIN.
You seem to theorize that if he felt about you how you feel about him, he’d have “worked harder.” You may be right. But I don’t think he knows how you feel. You told him, “Hey, it’s no big deal, we’re not exclusive” and all of that. Based on what you’ve told me, I’d guess he’s certainly not going to open himself up to that again. The fact that you are now really wanting him back is a different story.
If you want to take a whack at this, you might have to find some way to tell him how you really feel. Personally, I’d go with email. It gives you a chance to say ALL that you want to say, but it doesn’t put either of you on the spot in case he doesn’t, how shall I say, respond favorably.
I’d write him and let him know EXACTLY where you’re at. “Look, I was really having a great time with you, I did this silly thing that hurt your feelings, and I am sorry. I feel like a jerk. I miss you, and I’d really love to get together sometime if you’re willing to give me another shot. Any chance of that?”
Can’t guarantee anything here. He seems like he might have clamped down on the emotional throttle pretty hard. I think your best bet is to show that you really wish you hadn’t hurt his feelings and that you miss him. After that, it’s all on him.
Do guys heal up quicker, ladies? Is this guy done with Sarah, or what?
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