Well, the title for this post isn’t really the big question that our requester, farah, has for me today. Her man’s still got some photos of the ex (not totally outrageous) and some pictures of her in his phone…naked (er…a little less un-outrageous.) She’s wondering what’s going on, and what she can do. Let’s get some more information.
hey,
well here is the thing,
my boyfriend has his EXs photos and belongings in his closet,and he has a mobile full of his ex-girlfriend pictures and videos and they arent just any pictures,they were actually naked in the pictures..note that he was TOTALLY in lobe with her.
my boyfriend has his EXs photos and belongings in his closet,and he has a mobile full of his ex-girlfriend pictures and videos and they arent just any pictures,they were actually naked in the pictures..note that he was TOTALLY in lobe with her.
I could have simply made the assumption that the fact that he was “in lobe” with her was a typo. But what the hell do I know? I don’t want to be unromantic. I mean, haven’t we all been in lobe before? Hello?
Ok. It was probably “love.” Fine.
he even wanted to marry her…
So why didn’t he? She did not want to marry him back, I’d have to assume? Hm.
anyway..we are together now for 9 month and we see each other everyday and enjoy each other company..anyway lately he changed a lot..i feel that he doesnt care anymore…
so here are my Questions:
1-is he still in love with his ex?
Well, it’s certainly possible, but given what you’ve just told me, there’s nothing that’s 100% clear or obvious either way. Just based on the treasure trove of naughty pictures…look, it wouldn’t be out-of-the-ballpark impossible to think that he just never deleted the naked pictures that he’s got of the ex. It’s possible. After all, it doesn’t require love to NOT delete pictures. If he went to all the trouble of taking them, he might not have gone through some kind of a thought process that goes, “Wow, farah wouldn’t like that I have these. I should delete ‘em.” I mean, it’s not like he’s out taking new naked pictures of her, right? (And if he is, yes, that seems pretty rude, I’d say.)
The important thing is that even if he’s not thinking about this ex at all, from YOUR perspective he’s not treating you the way you want to be treated. And if you think about it, that really doesn’t have anything to do with the ex. Or to put it another way, if you’re not getting what you want, it’s about the two of you, regardless of what the ex is doing or not doing in there.
2-what should i do to get back his love?
Uh…here’s the bad news part, farah. This part isn’t up to you. Love, unfortunately, isn’t “gotten.” And it’s certainly not “gotten back.” It’s given. Or it isn’t. You can’t really talk someone into giving you more love than they want to give you. And boy, do you not even want to try. There’s nothing lonelier than being in a relationship where you feel like you’ve convinced somebody to do you some big favor by treating you right.
I’ll get into what you might try in a sec, but first this last question…
3- am i losing him because i see him on daily basis?
No, no, no. Well, hold on. Let’s put it another way. You’d better not be. If you are, you don’t “have” him to begin with.
If you are losing a man because you aren’t seeing him infrequently enough, er, what kind of fun is that? Do you really want to be in a relationship where you have the constant thought in the back of your mind, “Ok, so is this too much? I sure don’t want to make him sick of me!”
To my way of thinking, your person, by definiton, is the person who doesn’t get sick of you. That’s kind of the whole point.
The bottom line, farah, is this: The “why” of the situation is #2 on the agenda. Is he in love with the ex, is he not, etc.? It’s not that you don’t need to know why, it’s that it’s not under your control. What IS under your control is deciding how you allow yourself to be treated.
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FOR ME LATELY?
I think the conversation that you need to have is about how you want to feel and how you need to be treated. And again, you can’t make him treat you a certain way. And you most definitely can’t make him FEEL a certain way. What you can do is know what you want and take responsibility for it by telling him what you want. And then, either he will or he won’t.
I know, I know. Lots of people tell you to pull back and make him chase you, or to demand this or that, or to be a “mysterious creature” so that he’ll want to…sigh…I just get exhausted even THINKING about that kind of stuff. The truth is this:
BEHOLD, BIG TRUTH AHEAD…
All you can do is to:
- …know what you want,
- …refuse to talk yourself out of what you want, and finally
- …tell HIM what you want.
Now, you can’t skip that last step, farah. I know you THINK he knows what you want. How could he not? It’s so obvious! Well, you might be very mistaken about that. Never underestimate a man’s inability to know what you believe to be “obvious.” Seriously, read that again.
If, however, a man hears what you need (in actual words in a language that he knows) and truly understands it and STILL isn’t interested in doing what you need, then that’s how you know he’s not your person. Period.
Good luck, farah! Seriously, don’t try to “get him back.” When searching for your person let, “the guys who don’t treat you with love” be a group you tend to, you know, avoid.
What say ye, miladies? Any words of wisdom for farah on how to handle the next steps here?
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