We’re back to the age-old question, “How soon is too soon?” Mimi M has just started a relationship, and he’s getting a little randy. She’s wondering if she hits the sack, if he’ll hit the road.
Now, my normal advice here is not to worry too much about that. However, there is a twist here — she’s 60. And I’m assuming that he is somewhere around there as well. Is this a generational thing, or what? Let’s get some more details:
I’m a very young-minded 60 and just started dating someone. I haven’t had intercourse in 12 years and after the first date, he is thinking and talking about sharing the bed soon. I’m thinking the way I was brought up which was to put it off, but I don’t know how long I can do that. I am afraid if I do that on the 2nd or 3rd date, he might think less of me or never see me again. Sounds old-fashioned to me but yet it was my upbringing. I don’t want to over think this but go with the natural flow in the relationship. Did I answer my own question or do you have advice?
Dear Mimi M,
Well, here’s the real truth, Mimi. If a man leaves after sex, it’s not because the sex made him think less of you. It means that he already thought less of you. Sex doesn’t change how he feels about you, though it might reveal it. In other words, the sex was not a turning point — it WAS the point.
I do think you have answered your own question. (Thanks for that, by the way. Makes my job so much easier when you do it, believe me.) I really don’t think that this is something that you need to sweat too hard. I was wondering if this might be a generational thing, but hell, you were around in the 1960’s. And presumably so was he. How old-fashioned can he be? And you yourself say that it “sounds old fashioned” to you.
Here are a couple of things to think about.
PUT IT OFF TIL WHEN?
Here’s my question to you: You say your tendency would be to put it off. Well, how long do you plan to “put it off,” exactly? You say you’re worried about date two or three. How about date four? Seven? When, exactly, in your mind do you cross the border from the Land of Ladies of Ill Repute over into the Happy Humping Grounds of Honorablesville County?
(MANSLATOR’S NOTE: These are not real places, so if you set your GPS to drive there and it makes fun of you, don’t blame me.)
This is always my problem with the idea of postponing sex to keep a man around. It’s that…well…you’re going to want to do it SOME damn time. And then what? Why is it better to pretend you don’t want to for a while? Because that’s all it is — pretense. Are you hoping to somehow “trick” him into thinking that ordinarily you’d NEVER have sex…but then with him you’re going to make an exception?
WHO IS THIS DUDE, ANYWAY?
If you really like this guy, and he really likes you, and he wants to sleep with you and you want to sleep with him…and then he dumps you because you dared to do what you both wanted to do…er…who the hell IS this person? And more importantly, is this someone you actually want to jump through hoops to keep?
(MANSLATOR’S NOTE: Personally, I’d avoid jumping through hoops altogether. I know that plenty of folks in their 60s are in great shape and all, but seriously, why chance it. Jumping through hoops is just never worth it. Well, unless you’re a dolphin at Sea World, in which case you kind of have to or else they don’t throw fish into your mouth. Boy did I learn THAT one the hard way.)
SO WHEN, THEN?
Honestly? Whenever you’re really ready. If you’re concerned and you want to wait a little longer? Fine, wait until you’re ready. If you want to now? Go ahead. My feeling is that life is too short to be tiptoeing around what you want and need in a relationship. I’ve done that too many times myself, and all you end up with is sore toetips and lousy, ill-fitting relationships. Do what you want. And if he doesn’t like you doing what you want — being who you ARE — well, he’s not the guy you wanted to begin with.
Good luck, Mimi M! Have fun and be safe!
What do you think, ladies? Should she hold off? Go for it? Both? Neither? Hello?
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