A reader named Anna is engaged to a guy who is, it seems, a very, VERY secretive guy. Even his guy friend says so. And his friend is, like, awesome at telling who’s secret and who isn’t. Well…at least that’s how I’m picturing him.
He keeps a VERY tight leash on any and all personal info that Jaylene hears. (And if anyone cares, I’m currently picturing THIS guy in a ninja uniform, sneaking through the house from shadow to shadow.) Why might he do this? First, let’s see what our ninja friend is doing, and then take it from there.
Why do men never tell you the whole truth and keep things from you? My fiance is very private, to the extent that he’ll get a text when I’m sitting right next to him and he’ll read the message but make sure I can’t see the phone, even if its just from a friend of his!
Hm. I see two problems a-brewing. One, the fact that he feels the need to hide his phone from you. And two, why are you trying to see who is texting him? Could it be, El Guapo, that you are angry about something else, and are taking it out on his current behavior?
I’ve caught him sending dodgy texts to girls before about 3 years ago…
Ah. There we go.
…and check on him everynow and then…
Uh…in what way? Like random urine testing for athletes? Do you, every so often, do a quick audit of his phone?
…but I don’t think he shits where he eats anymore. We have been together 4 and a half years. He’s always been secretive though, which is why I started snooping as I had a gut instinct and found I was right.
Which — just to be clear — doesn’t really justify the snooping. I mean, it justifies LEAVING, sure. But snooping through his private stuff? That gets you into a very grey area of trust. Like, deep, dark charcoal-grey, verging on not-grey-at-all-anymore.
My instinct tells me now that hes not doing it anymore but I wonder why he has to hide things? I know he doesnt tell me the full truth, even about normal day to day things. (many talks with his male friend about this, he finds it weird too). What do you think?
Dear Jaylene,
Ok, here’s the thing. This is not about his privacy. That’s related to the problem, but it’s not the whole story. The two of you have, it seems, a bigger problem than this behavior:
You don’t trust each other. And with good reason, on both sides.
Yep, you don’t trust him because you busted him writing “dodgy” texts, which may or may not have included cheating? I still can’t quite make out the details of what he did. And he doesn’t trust you because you snooped on him, and continue to do so.
So, what to do? I just wrote a really long draft of this, but I’m going to cut it down because this isn’t a complex issue. It’s really pretty simple (though probably not easy.) Here’s what seems to be happening.
HIM: CLOSED VS. LOCKED
It seems that you’re looking at what I would think of as “locked” door behavior. Here’s the difference between the two.
- A closed door says, “Whatever is in here is private, and I trust that you’ll respect that.“
- A locked door says, “Whatever is in here, you are not allowed to see it, and I don’t trust you enough to just leave it closed.”
Now, is it because he’s doing something bad? Could be. I don’t know. Is it because you’re snooping on him and talking with his friend behind his back about him? Again, who knows? By his behavior, either could be true.
Now, what about your side of things?
YOU: ASKING VS. SPYING
- Asking says, “I trust you enough that if I make my concerns known, you’ll tell me the truth.“
- Spying says, “I don’t trust you, AND I don’t even trust that you’ll be honest with me if I ask.“
These are big issues, Jaylene. And this problem’s not going ANYwhere until you both address what you’re doing.
I see this as a two step solution.
STEP ONE: EVERYBODY ADMITS EVERYTHING
It’s “cards on the table” time, Jaylene. It’s time to say, “Ok, something ain’t right here. We obviously don’t trust each other, and we’ve both given each other reason NOT to in the past. Is that what we want when we’re married, until death do us part?” And try not to be defensive about your part. This step isn’t about who’s right and wrong. This is about getting him to tell you why he’s doing what he does. You did your part, he did his, and let’s get it all out there, just barfed out all over the place. Messy, but at least we’ll know what’s what. Get it all out on the table, and see where you stand. But don’t barf on the table itself. That’s unsanitary.
STEP TWO: IF EVERYONE ISN’T SATISFIED…SEE YA!
There’s no way around that part. Look, if you have a real, full, complete conversation about this, and everybody says everything that they need to say…and you STILL can’t trust him enough not to snoop on him, just go. Because I’ll tell you this much: You know what snooping will NOT do? Prevent a cheater from cheating. Like, not even for a second. No cheater will stay faithful just because you caught him texting. Not a chance.
But you know what the snooping MIGHT do? Make a non-cheater leave. Totally.
I’m not trying to blame you for this. Clearly, he was doing some questionable stuff. And then so were you. It’s what happens next that’s important.
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