Tyler’s man is in the process of ending their relationship, and his reasons are anything but clear. What does a man mean when he says that “IT isn’t there,” and what can you do?
Ok, I’ll give it a go. I have an issue with my exboyfriend/business partner/best friend…you can probably guess what the problem is by the description.
Holy crap, I can imagine about forty problems in that one. I once had a girlfriend/best friend/co-worker. That’s a lot of hats for any one person to wear. If they only have a single skull, that is. Assuming your guy has just that one cerebrum, let’s move on.
We were friends for three years before we dated. We both relocated to live in the same city. When we were together (and even still) we have an ideal relationship. Really. Everyone thinks so.
I bet not “everyone” though, yes?
He used to think so and say it, regularly. Then something changed…not sure what. And now he feels like “IT isn’t there”, “IT doesn’t feel right”.
Ah. Blerg. Sorry about that one.
Just what is IT??? He thinks there’s more than what we have. But I’m pretty sure there isn’t. The chemistry, communication, and compatibility are all there. We have business together. We spend holidays together. We throw dinner parties together. We spend our free time together. When he’s asked what his type is, he says someone just like me. It’s MADDENING. Just what the hell is going on. And what is the “IT” that he thinks should be there, but evidently isn’t for him? I don’t get. His friends and family don’t get. And he doesn’t really get either, but insists upon it. Help.
Dear Tyler,
Ok, here’s something that you need to know about a lot of guys. He might very well have NO IDEA what the “it” is that’s missing.
The bad news is, that doesn’t mean he’s wrong.
THE C WORD YOU MISSED
No, not THAT C-word, pottybrains (though lord help me, I do love that word. And all profanity, really.) You said you’ve got the Chemistry, Communication, and Compatibility. But the one he’s likely working from is:
COMFORT
As I’ve often said (sometimes just standing alone in my apartment, to no one in particular) guys are not black belts at the whole “feelings-to-words” thing. Even inside our own heads. We feel our feelings, we ACT based on our feelings, but if you ask us to put them into words, well, you end up with some crap like, “IT isn’t there.”
He might not even know what’s missing. He possibly doesn’t know what he even wants. But he knows he’s not getting it. How? He’s uncomfortable. Something feels “off” to him. And he doesn’t want to feel that way. He wants to find someone with whom he doesn’t feel “off.”
So what does that mean? In my personal experience, the IT that’s missing is usually a part of you that feels lonely because your partner isn’t built to be interested in that particular part.
But I guess that’s just another way of saying, “I have a sneaking suspicion that I’m not where I wish I was.” And that’s the real underlying reason for every breakup. (This is why you don’t need to bother asking “why” when a dude dumps you. Whatever he tells you, there’s NEVER a more complex reason beyond, “I’d rather be apart from you than with you.”)
Whatever it is, it seems that this guy has no way of telling you. Why not? Well, it’s got to be one of two things:
- ME NO KNOW: As I say, he might just have no idea.
- ME NO TELL: He might not want to hurt your feelings by telling you, his best friend, what he wants that you two don’t have together.
But either way, here’s what is NOT true:
- HE’S WRONG, WE ARE PERFECT: You said that you don’t think you two lack anything important. And that’s fine. But he does think that. And he gets a vote. In fact, both of you get a unilateral veto on the whole relationship, for any reason. And it doesn’t matter if your friends, your families, or YOU think he’s nuts. None of those things are going to “convince” him of anything.
ANIMAL RETRACTION
Think of it this way. If a dog isn’t comfortable around somebody, it really doesn’t matter how “unreasonable” its fear is. It’s gonna bark and freak out and, you know, do the whole Nervous Dog number. Men can sometimes have a similar emotional response. We can’t name it, but it ain’t going anywhere just because you think it doesn’t make any sense.
SO WHAT CAN YOU DO?
Well, as I said, he gets a unilateral veto on the relationship. You can’t convince him, and TRYING to convince him will only make him pull back twice as hard. And you don’t want to be in some situation where you are trying to convince him that it’s better for him if he stays anyway.
MANSLATOR’S NOTE: Trust me on that one. You really, really don’t. Manslator’s honor, that really sucks.
My advice is to keep the lines of communication OPEN and to keep the expectations turned OFF. And most importantly, teach him how break up with you how YOU need him to. Do you need him to give you the REAL reason, even if it hurts? Ask for it just like that. Whatever it is, ask for it directly, and maybe you’ll get it.
But as I often say, you do NOT want to be in a situation where you’re thinking, “How come he doesn’t know he’s in love with me?” It doesn’t help, and it’s never right.
Doesn’t mean it doesn’t totally suck, of course. But then lots of stuff does.
Good luck, Tyler. I wish there was a better explanation for what the IT is that’s missing. The best advice I can give is not to drive yourself nuts trying to figure it out, because even if you DO, it won’t change things. Sorry ’bout that.
Ever have a guy tell you IT was missing? What’d IT turn out to be?
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