Simple question here today. What’s WRONG with me!!? No, no, not ME, our requester. (Believe me, I know what’s wrong with ME.) She’s been re-singled for three years, and nothing. Nobody’s taking the bait. What gives? Let’s help her out, ladies, shall we?
Ok Jeff whats wrong with me!!! I have been single now for 3 years and no dates to speak of. I am a single mom, own my own home, work fulltime. I have been told I am good looking, but still 3 years and no dates. I even gave a guy my number yeah he called but wanted to sleep with me on the first date. i walked out!! What am I doing wrong, so tired of those attached people saying don’t look for it it will come, or you wont find it if you dont look for it….Finding myself very lonely, what to do?
Still single in CT
Dear SSiCT,
Well, I have a sneaking suspicion that you’re going to have a lot of excellent advice in the comments section from some of the ladies who are out there. And there are a couple of links in my blogroll that might be of interest to you as well. But you asked me, so it’s me you’ll get! Here are a couple of things to think about. First of all…
ALL THAT CRAP ADVICE FROM THOSE ATTACHED PEOPLE
Yeah, yeah, yeah, thanks for all the, “It’ll happen when you’re not looking for it.” Yeah, thanks. Fine. Sure. Of course.
The thing about that advice is, well, it is of course semi-true. Hey, if you could find your Person just because you went looking…well, first of all, wherever that magical “Person Place” was would be mobbed. You’d never find a parking space, traffic would be backed up for miles, and all the good ones would be gone before you got to the front of the line anyway.
Lucky for us, dating is WAY harder than that. Ugh.
So, given that it doesn’t happen on command, or when you’re looking, and that a watched pot never boils, and a stitch in time gathers little to no moss, what to do? Here’s what I’d say. Take the pressure off.
No, no, hold on. I’m not saying what THEY’RE saying — that you shouldn’t look for it. Not exactly. What I’m saying is this:
LOOK FOR SOMETHING YOU CAN FIND
Don’t look for Mr. Right. Not because you don’t want him. And not because you’re trying to trick him into appearing by pretending you’re not looking for him. Don’t look for him because that’s not how you find HIM. But you can find other stuff.
So, instead, look for:
- Mr. I’m Bored and Want to Go Out to Dinner With Some Dude, Just for the Hell of it.
- Mr. I Can’t Believe I’m Going Out with THIS guy, but what am I, busy?
- Mr. Oh, that was actually fun. Once. Not twice, though.
- Mr. Kind of a doofus, but likes skiing, so what the hell?
What I’m suggesting is this. Set the DATING bar low. The “love” bar? Sure, that one you can set at full height. But that’s Love. This is DATING. Totally different.
LESSONS FROM COMEDY-ENJOY THE HELL GIGS
When you’re a comic, especially starting out, one thing is guaranteed. You are NOT going to be headlining any gigs that are going to resemble a Seinfeld concert anytime soon. No, no. You’ll be working in the crappiest, lousiest, most disheartening situations imaginable. It’s the worst. So, why do it?
- EXPERIENCE: You can only get better by doing it. A lot. Even in a less than ideal situation.
- REALITY: Nobody, and I mean NOBODY gets on Comedy Central by showing up there and refusing to play a lesser room. It might take a short time and it might take a long time. You don’t get to decide how much time. Your job is to get GOOD at it, not to get results. The good news is that nobody’s comedy story started out with, “And my first gig was an HBO special!” And nobody’s relationship story goes, “Well, I hadn’t had a date for three years, and then I met…HIM. And we were wed.” No. It’s just not how it goes.
- IT’S PERVERSELY FUN: Especially if you can share it with other people who are also “out there.” Being in a crappy situation with OTHER people who are also in the same boat…it’s fun. Comics love joking around before and after particularly hellish shows. Why? Because what else are you going to do? This is what it is. It’s hard. Sometimes it’s awful. Usually it’s hilarious.
- CHANGE YOUR EXPECTATIONS: You learn to go into situations as they ARE, and not how you fantasize they’re going to be. The most stressful thing about being ABOUT TO BE a comic is the fear, “What if I bomb onstage?” Well, once you’re a comic for about a week, you find out that there’s no “what if” about it. You’re going to bomb. And as a result…
- YOU LEARN THAT IT’S NOT FATAL: The coolest thing about a hell gig in standup — or a hell date — is that when it’s over, you’re not dead. And in that, you realize just what a total bad ass you were for braving it in the first place. Huge, huge lesson. Very freeing.
THIS IS YOUR GOOD NEWS, MAC?
Well, in a way, yes. I’m not saying, “Here’s how dating can be easy.” What I’m suggesting is, stop thinking it’s going to be easy. It’s actually difficult. Enjoy what a bad ass you are for even approaching it, and lower the bar a little. Go out on less-than-perfect dates with FAR-less-than-perfect mates. Just for a tune-up. Ask out some guy who is WAY out of your league for the sole purpose of getting turned down. Ask out some other guy who is WAY below your league, for an easy “Yes!” even though you know it’s likely going nowhere.
Why do all of this? Because you’ll be out there. You’ll become fearless. And when you DO accidentally meet your guy when you’re not looking, blah-blah-blah – you won’t be clinging to him as your only hope to keep from drowning. You’ll be able to meet him with open eyes, and you’ll know what you’ve got when you’ve got it.
And until then, don’t make dating the PERFECT GUY important at all. Too much pressure. Just put in some time out there. You’ll find who you find. But one thing’s for sure, you’re not going to find him at your house. If he was already there, well, you wouldn’t need to go looking for him.
What’s YOUR advice ladies? Did you get past this point? How’d you do it?
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