I received a manslations request from a reader who is not impressed with the male population right now. I can tell that because she signed off as, “Not Impressed With the Male Population Right Now.”
Why the unimpressitude? Well, it seems that she’s come across a string of divorcees with whom everything went great, right up until the sex. At which point — who’s way ahead of me here? — they split. Suddenly were “not ready” — not over someone in their past, etc.
What is this? And how can she protect herself from these men? Let’s give her some NotReady self-defense moves, shall we?
Ok I seem to have a problem right now. Every man I have dated in the last year are divorced. Now that not is not really the problem. All of them have contacted me online (I have no other social outlet) and all profiles have said they are looking for a long-term relationship. Everything is fine - we have a great dates (and I read your book so I know they were great!!)
What’s that you say? Ah book? Oh, that book that one could purchase, if one were so inclined? Ah yes. Well, do continue.
They contact me back and spend time with UNTIL the intimate issue came about. The day after - they stop talking to me. I ask them all ‘are you the f?? me leave me type?’ because if you are then we need to stop this here and now. They all say..give me more credit than that. So I do. (Big mistake) Then I get a text message several days later saying ‘ummm yeah by the way, I am not ready for this. I am not over someone in my past. (Usually their ex-wife).
This is not usually the truth, this particular excuse. We’ll get to that in a moment.
WHY in God’s name even approach me in the first place if you weren’t ready. Why was I used as ‘lets use Kaci and see if I am ready for this.’ After getting to know this men..I have found out that they have not been divorced very long and I have told them prior to getting involved that I think it is too early and they were all adamant that they were fine..So tell me Jeff - how do I protect myself from these men.
Not impressed with the male population right now.
Dear Not Impressed,
Well, the bad news is that it’s not necessarily going to be easy to protect yourself from “these men.” See, what you experienced is not necessarily all about them “not being ready” or “not being over” whomever. Well…they’re true and they’re not. Lemme ’splain.
CONFESSIONS OF A FORMER NOT-READIAN
Yes, I admit it. I have used this excuse before. When I had just gotten out of a really long term relationship, I went out on a couple of dates with a woman. It was kind of fun, kind of sexy, we did sex unto one another, and that’s when I desperately needed to get OUT.
Because I wasn’t over my ex, right? Nope. Because I wasn’t ready, then? Well, sorta. See, what happens is, a guy who has recently been re-released into the wild is looking to get his mojo back. And he wants to be in love. All of it. And then… https://iter.regione.campania.it/web/okcupid/dating-online1
ENTER: YOU
A nice woman who seems to be what he’s looking for! Woohoo! You date, you laugh, you have a good time. Then you have sex. And he suddenly realizes, “Oh wait. This is really happening. This situation isn’t perfect! It’s real. It’s going to involve, you know, maintenance. Do I really want to BE here that badly?”
Now, here’s where the “Not Ready” kicks in. See, if you had caught such a guy when he wasn’t just coming out of something crappy, his “early relationship reality check” tolerance might be a little higher.
But when you just got out of something less than perfect and you are suddenly faced with starting something less than perfect, well, you flip out a little. You do the verbal equivalent of a fish flopping around on the beach, and then you flop yourself right back into the water, where you can breathe again.
IMPORTANT! IMPORTANT!
What’s important for you to understand is — this only happens if the relationship isn’t what he wants. As in, there is NO way that a guy passes up the right girl for this reason. That’s not how we work. Ergo, you and he, in his mind, were not a match.
BUT WHY ONLY AFTER THE SEX?
Because before the sex, it’s fun, it’s dramatic, it’s flattering. A woman is paying attention to you! And you to her! Fun! And during the sex, hey, it’s sex, right?
But afterwards, that’s when the male brain gets a chance to sit back, take a moment, and figure out where in the hell the body has gotten it. In a lot of cases, I’ll bet that he was as surprised as you were. Seriously.
DON’T GET HUNG UP ON THOSE WORDS “NOT READY.”
Look, I can imagine how frustrating it is that these guys say they’re ready, and then they’re really not. Would it help if I told you that none of that is in fact true and the real truth is that he just doesn’t really like you enough to start a relationship with you?
Ok, maybe not if I put it like that.
But think about it — what’s the percentage of relationships that actually work? One percent? Maybe? The other 99 are either not going to like you enough, or you’re not going to like them enough. And with a lot of the guys, they’re going to say the thing that gets them out the door without telling you, “Mm…yeah, I don’t like you enough to really get going on this thing, but those dates were fun. Bye.”
SO…ER…HOW ABOUT HER ACTUAL QUESTION, NUMBNUTS?
Oh right. How to defend yourself against them. Almost forgot. Well, here’s what:
- Don’t try to defend against “Not ready” since that isn’t what is happening anyway. Don’t go around, trying to determine who’s ready. You can do that with avocados and stuff, but not humans. Although…I guess going around squeezing dudes isn’t the worst idea I’ve ever heard for meeting men.
- Beware the Internet: You say this is your only social outlet. Well, if that really is true (and it’s not just that it’s the easiest social outlet) then you’re going to have to contend with the fact that internet dating is for anyone. Anyone who wants to FIND SOMEONE. Now, that encompasses a whole lot of people. Most of whom will not be a great match for you, even if they might like sleeping with you.
- When in doubt, slow down a little. Look, if you aren’t sure what’s going on with a guy yet, if he’s recently divorced but INSISTS he’s ready, if there are any red flags, just take your foot off the gas, and assume nothing. Just let the whole thing unfold, and SEE where he’s at. Assume nothing.
I’m sorry there isn’t an ironclad way to get around this, NotImpressed, but the fact is that what you might have stumbled across is several guys who, because they happen to fall in the same demographic, are using the same script to say what 99% of all people feel after a date. Not interested.
How can NotImp protect herself from these dudes? Is there a way?
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