In this country it is so easy to get a divorce. So easy to sign papers and to move away were you never have to see that person again. Yet there is deep pain associated with divorce. Not just yours your son and his father. You say that you are trying to put your heart back into your marriage yet it seems like the only thing you focus on is how you want to be next him or kiss him. These are heart bittering thoughts. Even if they are not conscious level they are in your heart which is influencing you feeling and actions. It seems that you are overwhelmed with bitterness. You say that you tried your hardest yet you never forgave him for any past mistakes, or arguements. That is not trying to put your heart into your relationship. Also in just thinking about where the relationship of marriage came from.
It was from God. You not only promised your husband when you married him but you also agreed to the marriage arrangement God has set up for us. Jesus said What God has yoked together let no man put apart. That includes you. Also the bible states that God hates a divorcing. Sorry to get all preachy on you but this is not just your life. It is your husbands and you sons. He may even feel resentment toward you for getting the divorce. I am not saying that you should live in an unhappy marriage.
God set up this for us to have happiness. First priciple is to communicate with him. Just from reading your blog it seems that your not talking to him just pretending to be happy. If you dont talk to him he will never know how you feel. It is like a saying my mother has The baby that does not cry doesnt get any milk. Also think of your son not just yourself. I am not telling you to be unhappy, trapped in a bad situation. Yet to me it seems as if your trying is forcing yourself to do things and in your mind hating it. When you first married him think of the good qualities that he had that you enjoyed.
And truely forgive him from your heart. Because if you dont those thoughts just decay your mind and heart. Holding on to troubles and fights you have had in the past only makes your heart bitter. Also consider if you were in his situation or your sons situation. How would they feel. Family is not just about the benefit of one person but the entire unit.
I totally agree with Dear on this one. Decide what you REALLY want to do and make arrangements. If it's staying together, get counseling, if it is to seperate and eventually divorce, find a place to stay, pack your bags and then tell him. My first marriage was to a control freak with a temper. I told him that I didn't love him anymore and that I wanted a divorce and I wanted him to leave. I did it all in the middle of a parking lot, I didn't want to be alone with him when I told him. I had our first child when I was 17, got married at 19 and our second child at 21, then seperated by 22. So I know what you're going through, it won't be easy but you can do it! Good Luck with whatever the outcome is!
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