My husband won't get a job

Dear Dr. Ellen: I have been married for 13 years. For 10 of those years my husband worked at the same job with me. Three years ago he decided he was burnt out and quit his job. He has had many jobs since but none have been steady. For the past 6 months he has been out of work. I have been carrying the financial burden all on my own and I feel some resentment. He sits at home on the computer all day playing games and is not looking for work. Our family and friends put him down all the time because he's not providing for me properly. I feel so many things but the main thing is I am thinking about cutting him loose and making him stand on his own two feet. I love him and I hate to throw 13 years of marriage away, but I don't know what else to do. When I talk to him about looking for work, he gets angry and lashes out, saying I don't love him. Please help! - Veronica

Dear Veronica: A man's worth is not measured by having a job outside the home. If he does the cleaning, shopping for food and cooking while you work I'd say that you have a man who is contributing quite a bit. He may be doing a job search and using the computer to find work. If that is the case, your husband should be praised and encouraged especially if your family and friends are putting him down. The more he's criticized, the lower his self-esteem becomes and the harder it is to go out looking for work. You have to be the one person who believes in him even if the world doesn't. On the other hand, if he truly does nothing but play computer games, the house is a mess, the refrigerator is empty and the wash is piled high, you are living with an adult who is not pulling his fair share. If that is the case you have to let him know that his behavior is unacceptable and give him a time limit in which to find a job. If he shows no effort at all, then it's time for him to be on his own. I believe that you should give him a clear message in a loving way. Here's what I would say: "I love you with all my heart but cannot stay in a marriage that is not an equal partnership. I am giving you the next __ months to find a job.(That's a personal decision on your part.) If you are doing your best to try and find a position, I will stand by your side forever. If however, you do nothing and show no signs of progress then I choose to end this marriage." Then your job is to carry it through. It might just be the motivation he needs to become more self-sufficient. - Dr. Ellen

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