Just Call Me Daddy/When Mothers Turn Baby Showers into Hot Dates


Yesterday I had a baby shower thrown for me and of course no occasion could be complete without a bit of mama antics. Am I the only person to ever have a baby shower where her mother decided to combine it with having a hot first date?!

I found out about my ma's date G, when she called me up yesterday morning to ask if it was OK (to be fair she'd already invited him) and explained that he was a builder that she'd met through her work. Of course I wasn't going to object but she did mention that the bro was livid with her. I was already distracted so I didn't ask any questions and quickly got off the phone.

The next time I thought of G was when my ma brought him outside to introduce us and I happened to be standing with several friends and the bro.

"This is my daughter, and NML, this is G, friend and builder" she said gaily and I shook his hand and tried not to meet the eyes of my friends for fear of giggling.
"And THIS is my son, the one that said 'Mum, what are you bringing that builder to the party for?'"
The bro froze and his face became blank as he pretended that the two of them didn't exist but it was too late because we were all falling around laughing. I looked at my ma and G and she was grinning like a cheshire cat and he seemed to be loving all of the attention. They were barely out of earshot when the bro hissed at us "Can you believe that they f*cking met when he came to do a building quote yesterday?!" and this time he was laughing too as everybody tried to laugh their way out of shock.

I went into the house a little while later and found my ma chatting very cosily with G. There was a lot of giggling and flirting and I just felt thankful that we were all outside enjoying the BBQ and the sunshine. I raised my eyebrows at the two of them and gave my ma that look that said "Behave yourself" and being the pisstaker that she is, she saw the opportunity to wind me up.

"Say hi to your new daddy!" she said with a giggle.
I looked around me and said "Who?"
"G - How would you feel about him being your new daddy?" she wisecracked, just as the bro walked in and glared at the two of them. "Now!" she said looking at the bro. "Show some respect to your new daddy!" she quipped and B and I started snickering at the showdown that we sensed.
"Only if he lasts a week...." the bro replied drily. B and I were nearly in hysterics laughing when we saw their faces.
"THE BRO! I'M WARNING YOU!" my mum said, now starting to sound slightly nervous.
"What? It's true. Don't worry G, you have a seven day cooling off period!" he quipped and now we were all laughing.

We finally left them and went back to stuffing our faces outside. I relayed the story to the boyf who was clutching himself laughing and of course my ma was now providing the entertainment... The bro left about an hour later without too much drama but admittedly quite a few barbed comments were directed at my ma. After he left, I figured it would all be calm without any more drama....till I went into the house and discovered that there was no sign of them.

I demanded to know her whereabouts and was told that she had gone out the front. I walked out of the house and turned to go out to the street and froze when I saw my ma and G giggling, looking very cosy with their arms around each other. I didn't even think before I spoke. "MA! What the HELL do you think you're doing?!" I exclaimed and we all stood there staring at each other.
"NML!" my ma said and she looked nervous yet mischevious as she started to extricate herself out of his embrace.
"GET.IN.SIDE." I said icily.
"NML!" she said laughing. "It's OK, we're just talking."
"I don't frigging care. And G, would you mind taking your hands off my MOTHER!?!" and stalked back into the house.

After that my ma knew she was on thin ice with me. It wasn't that I wanted to piss on her parade, but having a first date at my baby shower and acting like randy teenagers was NOT what I had in mind. I thought this was when she would have been in the proud grandmother role!

She left an hour or so later with G escorting her. I was polite to him but kept my distance as I felt that he was enjoying the discomfort which isn't exactly a sign of him sticking around and ingratiating himself with her family... "Make sure my ma gets home safely because if she doesn't, I WILL be calling the PO-lice!" I said half jokingly. The boyf said goodbye to him and wisecracked "So should I start calling you Uncle G after today?" and G replied with a big dirty smirk "No....just call me Daddy G!"

In other non randy teenager related activity, the boyf's mum had her friend bless the food before we all started. I was expecting a quick grace but I hadn't realised that she was a reverand and she proceeded to sing and then break into lengthy prayer. Two or three minutes later, I started to break out in a hot flush and clutched at the boyf's hand. Once it was over, everyone dived on the food and Vulture boy said to me "Jeez, I thought she was going to start praying for the #2 bus any minute!" Hilarious!

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