So I've ended up having an accidental break...well sort of... Where have I been? Working and in an exhausted heap! No matter what anyone tells you, much like the pain of childbirth, I don't think anyone can quit capture how exhausting not only being a mum is, but being self-employed. It's almost six months since I bit the bullet and decided to be my own boss and quite frankly, it's kicked my ass! Sweet baby effing Jesus and the angels!
I've always been considered to be quite organised. My desk at work was always a hovel but I've always said that it was a sign of creativity and a busy mind... Now, the house, my never-ending todo list, my various baskets of magazines, filing, thousands of emails, and my sometimes neglected but nonetheless much loved family, have become a symbol of a woman who is just trying to do too much and feeling like she's on a hamster wheel.When I decided to become self-employed, it had been something that I had been talking about for a while and the whole maternity leave debacle just made it a lot easier to make the jump. Don't get me wrong, I love doing my own thang, but sometimes it feels like out of the fat, into the fire and that's simply because at the same time as setting up as a publisher, I also took on consultancy work. When you combine that with the bambino, the boyf, a house that seems to look tidy for a few hours, my crackerjack family, plus of course, wanting to have me-time, well, I ended up with no time.
Since making the leap, my baby products blog has taken off, Baggage Reclaim has got even bigger, plus I published an ebook which also did really well, which in turn created more work, plus I launched another blog with my friend, and much more. What set off the feeling of exhaustion was the hundreds of emails with feature my product, my boyfriends an assclown, please help me, and by the time it got to last week, my inbox and life in general felt like I was needed for something, somewhere. Of course I cracked, and feeling hormonal because you know that sh*t always decides to hit the proverbial fan when you've got horrid cramps, I finally broke down in tears and tiredness. Did I mention that during all of this I was trying to finish 300+ page book and ebook?
The boyf was brilliant and took me to task and forced me to take a break, take a deep breath, and start making plans to remove myself out of every last little thing...and delegate. Conveniently, I can't delegate the housework to him...but the cleaner is being organised. He and the bambino had lots of quality time over the past week which meant that I could work relatively guilt free, although she did come over a couple of times, whack me in the face, pull off my glasses, and try to yank my hair out by my roots...
I feel much better now because I talked about what was bothering me and I realised that even though I talk to the boyf about work, I don't really talk and communicate what I'm doing, what my week is actually like, and I realise that because I'm self-employed and working from home that I don't have the buffer of crackerjack colleagues that are sharing my pressures. He was shocked when I told him that I edit (and write some) 90 posts a week for the two baby blogs, write 5 posts minimum for Baggage Reclaim, plus I individually reply back to every request for advice...even though it may take a while. Requests for advice can be as much as fifty a week or more...Then there are the requests for sites to be featured, product reviews, guest contributing...
I've been flying by the seat of my pants and I've become the woman that doesn't say 'no', 'in a minute', 'that sounds great but it'll have to wait a day/week/weeks/' or 'can someone help me with this?' I also let my overflowing inbox weigh me down by putting off emails and not managing peoples expectations of when they can expect to hear from me. I want to help everyone!
What the hell has happened to me? It's like I'm trying to be frickin' superwoman! No wonder I felt like I was losing my mind at times and really, I'm the one who is creating pressure on myself. If I just opened up my usually rather loud mouth and managed peoples expectations, plus delegated...OK and learned how to organise the self-employed version of me and time manage myself, life would get easier.
I'm not a Yes Woman! I've made a career out of telling people to inject some 'NO' into their life and not be so pliable, and here I am throwing myself under the wheels of my own self-employed car and wondering why I'm being run over...
I don't know why I didn't speak up but I think part of me knew that the boyf would be shocked at how thinly I had spread myself but also because I have taken being self-employed to the nth degree and placed everything on me. He had to work some long hours recently although (touch wood) he hasn't had to travel much, so I think I may have tried not to load him up with my stuff. Silly though because he's saying 'Load me up! I want to know exactly what's going on!' so he's having a little meeting with me each week so I can sanity check myself and not feel alone in my work.
And I'm not. I have the boyf, the bambino (she's not very good at filing though and keeps emptying it), and two brilliant friends Kat and Brenda who I'm working with on the baby blogs, plus on a few other things, and suddenly I can delegate, and share. The odd thing was is that I could before, I just wasn't...
And before anyone asks, the whole problem with 'That Newspaper' is still being investigated.
Back soon...
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