It is Saturday night, and I am blogging in the lobby of a hotel instead of hanging out in New York City with people my age. I have chosen my computer over people several times in the last few months, and from the stream of Facebook updates I see on my page at 11 pm on a Saturday, lots of my friends are at home right now as well. When does liking to be at home alone turn from rest and relaxation to hermit status?
You are a hermit if…
- You want to go out butyou get anxious at the thought of getting dressed up and having to hang out with people you do or don’t know.
- You are not doing something you truly enjoywhile staying home. You’re piddling around on the internet, watching television half-interestedly, or having a monotonous conversation on the phone with a fellow hermit.
- You hope that someone will call youwith something to do, but you refuse to call someone up proactively and make plans.
I am a self-proclaimed hermit in recovery. Despite my loudness and big personality, I am quite a homebody. I love to order take-out, pop some popcorn, and watch movies in bed (preferably with a handsome man). I love to wander aimlessly on the internet and read random articles. However, there has to be a limit to my hermitage.
Being a hermit is no good, because:
- You can lose perspective.Spending time alone is an important part of being comfortable with yourself, but if you spend it ruminating over things that aren’t going well in your life, you can start giving more importance to the negative things going on in your life than they deserve.
- You lose touch with your friends. A huge part of friendship is actually spending time together, seeing one another be vulnerable, and helping one another through difficult times. If you are feeling sad or lonely, reach out to a friend and say so. Everyone gets lonely, and you shouldn’t compound the situation by isolating yourself. Your friends love you and they want to be there for you! Let them. By reaching out to your friends, you’ll help build up your relationshipsand solve the loneliness problem.
- It perpetuates the situation.The less you go out and the more you stay in, the less accustomed you get to investing time and energy into finding things you like to do and making it a point to do them. Staying in becomes a habit and the dissatisfaction you used to feel settles into an accepted state of monotony. You deserve to live a life full of laughter, excitement, and dreams fulfilled. Go out and make some memories.
Breaking out of the hermit life is not easy, but it can be done with practice.
Tips for breaking out of the hermit cave and joining the world:
- Venture out for mundane tasks.If you usually work from home or a stuffy office, take your laptop and set up shop at a nearby Panera bread. The simple act of being around people can often lift your spirits and make you feel like a part of the human race. The next time you go out to eat, proudly eat by yourself in the restaurant instead of taking it to go. I often find that I do not feel lonely or like a creepy loser when I eat by myself at a restaurant. I feel sophisticated and confident. Try it.
- Plan ahead.Don’t wait until Friday after work to think about what you’re going to do Friday night. Often people will already have made their plans (that apparently you aren’t included in) or will settle into their own hermit status by the time Friday evening rolls around. Reach out to friends to make plans a few days in advance.
- Be flexible.Hermits often perpetuate their loneliness by insisting on going somewhere close by, on not going to certain venues, or on not spending over a certain amount. It’s completely fine to have limits, but these can be internal rules you set for yourself without discussing them during the social planning process. Co-create the evening plans with your friends and try to compromise so that you all end up going out and having a great night.
- Be honest with yourself about what you like.If you are not a club person, don’t scare yourself out of going out by thinking that the only thing to do is to get sweaty on the dance floor. If you’re a fan of theater, invite a friend to a play with dessert afterwards. If you are a video gamer, organize a video game tournament at your place complete with pizza and drinks for a few of your friends. Create your own version of what a great night is—but include other people in those plans.
The next time you wonder if you should pick up the phone to make plans, go ahead and take the step. Your spirits will thank you.
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