A friend of mine, tweeted this yesterday: “If you spend too long holding on to the one who treats you like an option, [you] will miss finding someone who treats you like a priority.”
It was so on point that
I told him I had to write about it. A simple concept, but time and time again I
see many of my friends settling for the role of “an option.”
The Twitter quote took
me back about a year when I was sitting at lunch with one of my sister-friends.
She is an awesome person, but has always felt “average.” In a city like NEW
YORK that is full of exceptional people, it can be even more
profound if you’ve always felt like someone in the middle. I get it! I think
she’s wrong about herself, but still I understand.
She’d been dating this
guy for a year when we had our lunch last year. Dating is difficult everywhere.
In New York City, multiply the level of difficulty times
ten. So, my sister-friend was happy to be dating a man with a solid job,
handsome enough, and with all of his teeth. Yes, it’s that hard in the “Big
Apple.” With that said, I could sense that she wasn’t completely
happy.
“Where do you
see the relationship going, started talking about marriage yet?” I asked. She shook her head, “No.” I
asked if she even saw herself marrying him. “We’ve never discussed it. Every
time I bring it up, he changes the subject and says not to push him,” she sadly
replied. Red flag! First, her reaction to my question told me more than her
words. Second, I truly believe that the great majority of men who’ve found
their wife know within the first year and begin to discuss marriage pretty
quickly.
I must have opened Her
Box because she started spilling her frustrated guts. Basically,
the guy was typically unresponsive to her and her needs. They’d stopped
actually going out on dates about six months into the relationship. Now, she
would cook for him, he’d come over, they’d have sex and he’d leave in the
morning. And, he broke the cardinal rule (well, she let him). He would consistently
call the day of and sometimes the evening of, when he wanted to “chill” with
her.
“If someone is calling
you the day of to make plans with you, rest-assured you are just an option,” I
said. A year into the relationship this shouldn’t have been happening. If he
couldn’t keep up the courting and romance for a year, then there was no hope
for the future. And, if there’s no hope for the future, there was really no
point. My sister-friend heard me, however, I could tell she didn’t hear me.
It made me sad because
I could sense the fear and helplessness she felt. It was becoming that hard for
an intelligent woman to find a man. And, for all intents and purposes, this guy
was a “good man.” But, just because he was a “good
man” didn’t mean he was good for her. Moreover, she clearly was not a priority
in his life and there probably wasn’t anything she could do to change it. So, I
told her to let him go.
“Easier said than done!
As much as I want more, I definitely don’t want to be lonely every night. I
want SOMEbody in my life," she explained. I
retorted, “So, you’ll just settle for any ol’ thing to have
SOMEbody?” I went on to explain that while she was settling for
option status, there was a guy out there waiting to upgrade her. Sticking
around with this guy because he was SOMEbody might
just be blocking her from the man that was to be her true blessing.
My sister-friend
continued to date the dude for a few more months. Fast forward to last week and
we met to catch up and gossip. Plus, she had some great news for me – she was
engaged. I knew she’d been dating a new guy who by all of our friends’ accounts
was terrific. “You were a hundred percent correct! I was so desperate for a man
that I’d allowed myself to take a back seat position.” And, she went on to describe
the difference with her fiancé. He made her a priority in every sense of the
word. She was completely happy and excited.
We’ve all been
there... dating someone who you know is “just not that into you” and has not
made you a priority in their life. Don’t let the difficulty of dating allow you
to settle for less than you deserve. No matter who you are, we deserve to be in
the pole position in our lover’s life. Wasting your time on someone who does
not put you in that place may be getting in the way of you finding someone who
will. Just say to yourself, I deserve to be a priority, not an option!
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