Dear Loveawake,
My boyfriend used to be quite the
philanderer. I can accept his past since it was before we met, but I cannot
handle meeting his past lovers. My boyfriend has introduced me to four of
these women, and we hang out with one of them quite often. Although I’m a bit
reluctant, I accept spending time with her because they are such good friends.
But now my boyfriend wants me to meet another of his ex-girlfriends. I know
these women are in the past, but I just don't feel they belong in the present.
I worry he might be tempted to take a detour down memory lane, and meeting my
boyfriend’s exes makes me question our relationship. Am I just another
notch in his belt? Although I appreciate his honesty and openness, my
boyfriend’s relationships with these women make me feel anything but
special. How do I cope with this?
- Angela P.
Dear Angela,
It is natural to feel awkward meeting your significant other’s exes. However, it sounds as if you’re worried he might cheat on you with one of these women. If you have no reason aside from your insecurity to believe your boyfriend will stray, you should trust that your relationship is more important to him than sex with an ex
However, if you don’t like spending time with these women, then don’t. It’s well within your rights to say, “Honey, I love you, but meeting these other women makes me feel uncomfortable, and I’d rather not do it? But it’s not okay for you to forbid your boyfriend to see these women entirely… unless you truly think he is cheating on you with one of them. Trying to control his behavior will only place more strain on your relationship.
There are two things I recommend you do
to cope with this situation. The first is something I’ve suggested to others in
the past: journal. Sit down and consider what specifically is bothering you:
·
Does my boyfriend still flirt with his
exes?
·
Do I compare myself with these women?
·
What’s pushing my jealousy buttons?
·
What would I like him to do?
·
What do I want out of my relationship?
·
Is there something specific my boyfriend
could do to make me feel special?
After you’ve thought through your feelings, have a candid discussion with your boyfriend. Use “I statements, such as “I feel insecure when you spend a lot of time with your exes? Don’t accuse him of cheating or give ultimatums. Do, however, state what you would like your boyfriend to do to help make your relationship more unified.
If your
requests are reasonable but he refuses to comply, you may need to think about
whether you want to stay together. Tough as it may be, letting go of a negative
relationship will serve you better in the long run rather than trying to
achieve a healthy partnership with someone who’s unwilling to compromise.
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