Be Nice To Men!

One definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over – and expect different results.

That applies to anyone who has found relationships are nightmares, despite best efforts. There has to be something more to this ‘relationship’ business than 1) sticking up for your female rights or 2) being a doormat. It’s that balance thing: I don’t want to manage a man or resent him for who he is because I don’t want to be managed or resented for who I am. I don’t want to bully to prove anything – if I have anything left to prove. But one thing a lot of women forget – and I say this because I have forgotten it many times – is that what we accuse men of also applies to us.

This is a case of ‘what you say is what you are’: am I so insecure that I have to ram my opinions down his throat? Am I so weak that I can’t listen to him? Am I so brutal that I have to treat him like an animal? I find myself, surprised and horrified, returning to words like respect, honor and grace. These are the LAST words I want to use but I find myself using them, and finding strength and wisdom that I think I can actually use.

The upcoming book “Be Nice To Men” is an analysis how women self-sabotage by being self-righteous, shrill, passive-aggressive and drama-loving. Women are not the troublemakers. Rather, they need to look at possible ‘home truths’ that are tripping them up. I mean, if I had a sign on my back that said, “Kick me”, I would want to know.

1) He’s not you: don’t blame men because they don’t think the way you do. (I know – why do they think like idiots? Let it go.)

2) You can’t change someone: you can only (within reason) change yourself.

3) Love is that thing in Corinthians: love means tolerance, bearing all things, etc. This is not that you love him when he’s good and resent him when he isn’t.

4) It takes TWO to hold a relationship together: if you are doing the work for both of you, you’re perpetuating the problem and hurting yourself.

5) How many of your problems are ‘his fault’?

6) What’s the love you have if the relationship isn’t easy? Could it be you are in love with drama, being a victim and having your life ‘stopped’ by a man? Are you making him an excuse for not living the life you want?

7) Do you feel sorry for yourself because of what he does?

8) Are you clear about the purpose of this relationship? For example, are you with him because he’s the father of your child or co-owns your house?

9) Does he listen to you? Do you listen to him (and know when to shut up)? Men do not have a long attention span, as I am sure you’ve noticed, unless it involves things they like.

10) Can you spot your own hypocrisy? It’s okay if you phone him when he’s out with friends, but if he does, it’s war?

Does this list make you mad? Good. Look at the it as if it were applied to a man. The point of all this is to give women more power through self-awareness of how we could be sabotaging ourselves and blaming men for what is, yes, partly their fault but also partly ours. A good friend tells you when you’re going wrong: if you get mad with what she’s saying, could there be a little bit of truth that you don’t want to see?

Get mad, see it and be a better person.

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