Well, just when we were talking about an emotionally UN-available man, we’ve got the opposite. A reader calling herself “Adored & Hating It” went out with a guy and he’s just too…there. What is this crap, anyway?
Here’s the problem — he’s CRAZY about me. Yes, this is a problem. He started calling me every day after our first date. After a few weeks it got as high as three times a day until I convinced him that I do, in fact, work. He’s “never felt this way” about anyone, including his two ex-wives and numerous girlfriends and other liaisons. Meanwhile, he doesn’t know where I went to college or what I studied, doesn’t seem to really get what I do for a living, doesn’t ask me questions about my life, and wants to see me Thursday and Friday and Sunday even if we saw each other Wednesday and have a date for Saturday (which is SOOO not me). My feelings about him? He’s a “nice guy,” attractive, has hair and all his teeth, and before him I hadn’t had any action for quite a while. And, okay, we have similar tastes in cultural, political, and some other stuff. In other words, he’s head over heels and I’m like, well, he does have season tickets to the symphony. likes indy films, and isn’t a Republican…Is my question, should I stay with him? No, I already know the answer to that one (I shouldn’t). My question is,what’s going on with guys like this? Why do they do the same thing over and over and expect different results? Why don’t they get that their obsession and neediness is not the stuff of a real relationship? And what’s the best way for me to end it but avoid his inevitable emotional meltdown? (Okay, I know the answer to that one also — I can’t.. Maybe a better question is, is sooner better than later?)Thanks! Love your blog.
Dear Adored & Hating It,
You seem to know the answers to most of your big questions here, so I’ll just make this one a quickie and answer the ones you don’t know.
WHAT’S GOING ON WITH GUYS LIKE THIS?
Well, you seem to be saying that he’s been like this before — doing the same thing over and over again. Why would a guy be this way? The answer? I think it’s like an addiction. Some part of him thinks that if he clings just a little harder, this time it’s going to work. He’s needy, and a woman pulls away. So he grips even tighter, and she pulls further away. She eventually drops him, and there’s some dopey part of his brain that thinks, “You know what I should have done there? Tried even harder. I swear, I’ll do it next time.” And so he does. And eventually, it’s your turn (lucky you). And therein squats the toad (Thanks, Shelby).
Men (and women) who are emotionally needy do their thing because they think they have to. They’re pretty sure that if they just chilled the hell out and eased up on the stranglehold they have on their loved ones (lucky them), then said loved ones would run like hell. So they strangle harder. Which, of course, forces people to start making escape plans, digging tunnels under the wire, making rope ladders out of the sheets, and generally causing their worst fears to come true.
I think the only solution is going to be when they are finally so exhausted with this ridiculous behavior that they have to say, “You know what? Even if nobody ever talks to me again, I have just got to cut this crap out.” Sadly, most of the men and women I know that fit this description seem to have incredible stamina for it (Lucky everybody.)
SOONER OR LATER?
Oh, you know what? Do whatever’s better for you here. Which, in this case, seems to be “sooner.” Doesn’t matter either way. If he’s going to have a real meltdown, frankly, it could only help. The worst thing that can happen to one of these stranglers is that they get the sense that it’s working. Because even that doesn’t make them feel any better, but it doesn’t make them feel lousy enough to kick the habit. And his meltdown isn’t your business. Unless you’re literally melting him down. Then there might be some legal action involved, and I’d have to recommend against it.
Good luck, A&HI. I’m quite sure by now you’ve given ol’ Grabby the big heave ho. Don’t worry if he freaked out. Trust me, he was freaking out long before he met you.
What do you say, ladies? What’s up when someone just can’t stop smothering ya?
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