So, you’re in a relationship, you’ve met each other’s families and friends, and yet he’s not wild about listing his Myspace status as “in a relationship.” What gives? Ava’s man is just such a man. Let’s see if her request gives any clues as to why this is such a bugaboo for him.
(MANSLATOR’S NOTE: That is the first and last time I will ever use the term “bugaboo.” I don’t regret it or anything, but I have to admit that as I typed it I wasn’t wild about it.)
Hi Jeff,
I love your site, and read it religiously. Sadly, I think I need some help right now…
First of all, I believe that “religiously” is exactly how one should read this website. With robes, special incense, and most of all — evangelism. I mean, if you aren’t willing to annoy, browbeat and/or creep out everyone you know into coming here every day, well, what kind of a supplicant ARE you, anyway? Just saying.
I met the guy I am dating about 6 months ago. At the time I was seeing other people, but within a month or so I realized that I just wanted to be dating him, so that is what I did. For the most part, everything has been really great. We enjoy spending time together, we aren’t afraid to be ridiculous around one another, we carry on conversations that are engaging and enjoyable, and the sex is super. I’ve met his family and friends, and he’s met my friends (and will soon meet my family). It seems like I am his girlfriend and he is my boyfriend. I would even say that I love him. But…when we were talking about myspace one day he said he wished there was a choice besides “single” or “in a relationship”. He said that if he had to choose a definition for our relationship he would say “other”, as in we are somewhere in between dating and being “in a relationship”
I find this interesting for two reasons. One, the discomfort with the label, obviously. But also, it’s interesting that he decided to talk with you about it. Clearly he feels comfortable enough with you to bring up something that was gnawing at him. Hm. Need more info…
Here is what he states as his reasoning for not wanting to be “in a relationship”: 1) He is thinking of moving to a big city in the midwest (far from where we currently are) and “doesn’t want to lead me on”. He told me about the possible move from the first day that I met him, so it’s not like he sprung it on me suddenly or anything. (He is 28 years old, and I think he feels that he hasn’t “accomplished” enough with his life in order to “settle down”. I am in my second year of medical school so it’s not like I can pick up and leave for a few more years.)
Dude, I’ve got him beat by almost a decade and I definitely haven’t accomplished enough with my life. I gotta get on the friggin’ STICK here.
2) He doesn’t want to become one of those guys who just goes along with the status quo and dates, then moves in then gets married to a woman without really assessing whether he’s actually happy with the situation.
Well…I don’t think anybody wants to be one of those guys. But the problem that makes one end up one of those guys isn’t the moving in and getting married. It’s the lack of “assessing whether he’s actually happy” part. So one wonders — is he assessing or not? Let’s see if you get into that part of it.
Here are the good signs…he tells me that I bring out the good in him, and that he is truly happy to be with me. He is genuinely interested in my life, is great with my friends, and has invited me into his life. He has introduced me as his girlfriend at parties and such (so he is capable of saying the word). He now says that he is thinking about not moving to the midwest and that he would not be unhappy about staying here. I told him that I don’t want him to put his life on hold for me, and he says that he would not do that, and that the choices he makes are really what he wants. Also, I really don’t think he is being this way because he wants to see other people as when I asked him, he said “No, I don’t want to date other people because I am happy being with you.”
Ok, let’s just say out loud that all of those are VERY good signs. So it’s just this hesitance in the labeling thing. I think I’m getting closer to a BAM-style manslation on this dude.
However, I find it interesting that he seems to associate being “in a relationship” with me to going down the road to marriage and forever.
Yeah, we do tend to do that, don’t we?
Of course, there is a distinct possibility that this could happen, and I don’t think I would be unhappy with that. He says that he just needs a little time to figure everything out. I told him that I am not trying to give him some sort of scary ultimatum (“Change your relationship status to ‘in a relationship’ or I am breaking up with you”), but that I think it would be great if he started thinking about what he wants. In a way I worry that maybe he will never figure out if he considers us to be boyfriend and girlfriend and that I will wait for much longer that I should have to for him to figure out what he wants. Is it OCD of me to want to define our relationship this way? Should I just give him some time to figure things out, or should I assume that if he hasn’t figured out what he wants by now, he never will?
Thanks,
Ava
Ava
Dear Ava,
Well, we’ve spoken about the “label” issue on manslations a few times before. Let’s start this thing off with the Golden Rule, and then get more specific into the whole “MySpace Status” thing. I mean, is that a bargain, or what? Do you feel excited? I totally just peed myself thrice. Let’s get on with this thing.
THE GOLDEN RULE: SAYS vs. DOES
As any good manslatee will tell you, whenever there’s a conflict between what a man SAYS and what he DOES, always, always ignore what he says, right? So, forgetting ALL he said about all of this, let’s look at his actions.
- Introduced you to family & friends, sometimes as his “girlfriend.”
- Doesn’t see other people.
- Spends lots of time with you.
- Great sex, and great NON-sex.
- Is exploring the idea of changing his original plan to move away.
So basically what we seem to be looking at here is a man who is, by ALL of his actions, in a relationship. I didn’t include the Myspace status as an action because, if you think about it, it’s kind of straddling the area between SAYS and DOES. It’s just words in one sense, but in another it’s a declaration to the world. And that’s where it gets murky.
SIGNING OF THE DECLARATION OF NON-INDEPENDENCE
Ok, here’s what I think is going on. Given what you’ve told me, he seems like the kind of guy who has hopes, dreams, plans for something big for himself. He wants to move to a big city (maybe, anyway) he doesn’t want to fall into the trap of just going with the flow until you’re married, have kids, and wake up one day singing that old Talking Heads tune about, “This is not my beautiful house! This is not my beautiful wife!” and doing that weird karate-chop move on his own arm from that video.
I can hardly blame him, now that I type that.
I used to be (and in some ways still am) such a guy. I remember when I was first an adult-type person, my greatest fear was waking up when I was 50 and wondering why the hell I had done anything that I had done. I then proceeded to have a midlife crisis at, oh, 22 years old, and I’m almost through it, I swear.
The point is, for a guy who has a big, idealistic vision of what he wants, it might be tough for him to want to plant any one specific flag when he’s not quite sure he’s “found it” yet. Whatever “it” is.
BUT HE ALREADY CALLED YOU HIS GIRLFRIEND
Now, given that he can call you his girlfriend in casual conversation with folks, he obviously doesn’t have a problem with planting that flag in a casual setting. But for some reason, declaring it over the internet for any friend, stranger, or what have you seems to give him pause. For some reason, that particular declaration means something more definite for some reason, and he’s shying away from crossing it.
VERDICT: REDEFINE YOUR TERMS
Ava, I don’t think you’re being OCD for wanting this, but it might — MIGHT — not be a battle worth sweating at this particular juncture. Here’s why.
- Either he’s in the relationship or not in REAL life, and this status will not change that. And clearly, I think you already know that.
- By all of his actions, it appears that he IS in it.
- He’s going through some changes in his plans right now. Not sure if he wants to move away anymore. I’m guessing he needs to feel like he’s making that decision because he chooses one over the other, and NOT because he was feeling heat from you.
I’d consider having a talk with him on this subject, along the lines of, “Listen, when I say I want you to change your relationship status, it’s because of XY and Z. It’s not because I am trying to snare you into some situation you don’t want to be in. I want you to be where you WANT to be. And if you want to be with me, I want us to say that to people. I’m not trying to fit you for a set of shackles or something. It’s just a little way that I’d like for us to tell each other that we choose THIS, and not THAT.”
Good luck, Ava. And don’t worry about it. As I say, if he’s in the relationship, this status thing won’t change that. And if he’s out, well, it won’t change that either.
Ever had a guy show this kind of e-reluctance, ladies? How’d it work itself out?
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