Welcome to another week at Manslations. I’d like to start off by saying thank you all so much for all the awesome comments. I’m currently buried under edits on Manslations: The Book, and so I haven’t been able to be as active in the comments sections as I’d like to. But I just want to say that I really appreciate what you’ve all had to say in the past few weeks. I hope to dig myself out within a week or two, and I’ll be commenting with a vengeance!
Onto today’s manslation, a reader calling herself “chickaboom” hasn’t been on too many “formal” dates, and wants to know what’s what out there. Manslatees, what can we tell her?
Hi there Jeff Mac,I have to start off, like so many others, by saying how much I love this blog!! You are man translation ninja and I salute you. My question is this, I’ve just started the whole internet dating thing and I realized that I have never before in my life gone on such formal dates. All the guys I’ve been with before now were good friends before being upgraded to boyfriends or dating buddies. So now I find myself nearly 30 and completely unaware of the basic dating norms. I don’t want to come across as a dating retard, so what do I need to know? I know you’ll probably say to go with what feels right, but there definitely seem to be things you should and should not do on dates…please help!!Thanks so much!!
Dear chickaboom,
Number one, for calling me a “ninja” of any kind, you have made my day. Of course, I realize that I’ll likely never throw a ninja star, or sneak into a samurai’s house with a blowgun or anything, but a boy can dream. It’s a shame, though. I’m told that black is very slimming. Ah well, water under the bridge.
So, Dating Dos and Don’ts, eh? Funny you should ask. Not, like, Will-Ferrell-pretending-to-have-crippling-gas funny. But funny, nonetheless, because there’s a section just like this in the book — you know, that one I’m editing this very week (gulp.) But since I’m not done with that stuff, I’d like to address what you suggest about how I’ll “probably say to just go with what feels right”:
DO NOT GO WITH WHAT FEELS RIGHT
First dates are scary, tense, nerve-wracking, and if I ever went with what felt right, I’d have never spoken to a woman in my life. What feels “right” to me is to bail out. It also feels very “right” to me to eat lots and lots of cake, and to watch television all the time. (Don’t worry, I’m not going to say anything bad about cake, ok? It’s as close to a religion as I get.)
In fact, a few years ago when I was studying Tai Chi (it’s like being a ninja, just really, really slow), after a particularly frustrating lesson it occurred to me that all of my impulses were pretty much exactly the opposite of the right way to perform these movements. So I started doing exactly the opposite of whatever I thought made sense — I became the George Costanza of Tai Chi. Didn’t always work, but I was surprised at how often it actually did.
So you’re a little concerned about what to do, how not to look like a “dating retard” (when, actually, the correct term is “relationshippaly challenged”, ok? That’s called sensitivity, chickaboom.) I’d say instead of trying not to look like you’re a moron, try not to mind when you DO look like a moron. Cuz…you’re gonna — we all do. It’s going to be much easier if you focus on not sweating that part, plus if you end up looking like a dating genius, you’ll be pleasantly surprised. And it’s far more attractive to see someone acting like a doofus and knowing it, than someone who’s trying desperately to get it right.
Remember, you’re not looking to fool anybody. You’re looking to find someone you don’t need to fool.
BASIC DATING NORMS…?
There’s nothing “norm” about dating. Unless you’re out with George Wendt, and even then there’s just a moronic play on words. Plus, who knows if he’s even available? No one. That’s who knows that. Forget all about this. I swear to you, if your idea of proper date behavior was dressing up like a Klingon and dancing a jig, there would be somebody out there who would actually drop to his knees and thank the ghost of Gene Roddenberry for your existence.
SO, DATING DOS AND DON’TS?
I’ve written a few posts on this subject, and you can check them out here. I really wish there was something major and definitive I could say to help here. Not to help you, necessarily. I just think it would help me become rich. But unfortunately for both of us, there isn’t much in the way of dating rules, norms, or guidelines. Everybody just makes it up. And if I try to picture someone who is “good at it” I end up thinking of someone kind of sleazy. This is the most important “don’t” I can think of:
Don’t put too much pressure on the situation. Look, what are the odds that any given date is going to be “the one”? About zilch. The vast majority of the time, it isn’t going to work. Ronnie over at “Never Too Late For Love” refers to dating as short for “data gathering.” That’s all a date is. Trying to figure out if there’s anything there. I have never, NEVER heard of a situation where two people were perfect together, but one of them screwed it all up. Look, you’re going to put some pressure on there. It’s a date — it’s supposed to be terrifying. But there’s so little riding on your “performance” here. Either you guys hit it off or you don’t. Not much you can do to make that happen (or not happen.) All you can do is find out if it does happen.
Good luck, chickaboom. There’s a really funny saying I heard one time that a coach told one of his basketball players. “Don’t be so modest — you’re not that good.” And I would say to you, “Don’t worry that you’ll look foolish — you’re not that smart.” Isn’t dating all about looking like a moron, and finding the person who thinks you’re adorable IN SPITE of that?
Ladies in the dating trenches, what can you tell our friend, chickaboom? What should she do? Not do? NEVER do?
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