7 Things Shark Week Can Tell You About Men


If you’re like me (and if I were you, I’d pray that you are not) you can’t get enough of sharks. Ok. That’s a bit of an overstatement. I can get exactly enough. Enough happens to be “one week per year, and definitely not in person.” Which works out great, because it’s Shark Week on Discovery Channel.I love it. God help me, I do love it so. The swimming, the circling, the biting. It’s like Christmas, but with sharks. And without presents. You know, I don’t want to get into a big comparison, ok? Both Christmas and Shark Week are very nice.
So, what can Shark Week tell us about understanding male behavior? Today I, like Jacques Cousteau , will tell you exactly that. Well, except for the fact that my subject, the male mind, is not underwater. Nor, for that matter, am I. Also I am neither a scientist nor a world explorer. In fact, I prefer not to leave my apartment when I can swing it. Then again, I am currently alive, so that’s one point for me.
Ah, screw it. Again, no comparisons. Jacques had his thing, I’ve got mine, right? Here’s what you can learn about men from Shark Week.
  1. MEN LOVE SHARK WEEK: A man will often start lists about what Shark Week can tell you about various things, even when he’s not sure how that could possibly be so. A man like me, for example. This is never more true than right now.
  2. SHARKS AREN’T ALWAYS SURE WHAT THEY WANT: A shark doesn’t know what is/isn’t food unless it bites it. Biting is the only tool it has. It doesn’t have Google or Wikipedia. Or even hands, if you think about it. Pretty much a mouth. That’s it. Similarly, men will often try to make out with you, just to determine whether or not they like you. If they could figure it out beforehand, they probably would. But, you know, we can barely dress ourselves.
  3. IS HE INTERESTED? If a shark is avoiding you, it’s not a “strategy” to get you to follow it. It’s not because the shark has been hurt before. It’s not because the shark is intimidated by strong women. And it’s definitely not because the shark was frightened by how strongly it felt about you. Oddly, same with men. And if either species is paying attention to you, you know what that means as well. Luckily, most men only want to have sex with you, rather than kill and devour you. (Incidentally, I’d avoid dudes like that. Honestly, I find that kind of person a little creepy.)
  4. CIRCLING CAUTIOUSLY: Before a shark attacks, generally there is a period of intense interest and investigation before it does so. It will circle around, try to get a sense if you are either a.) an easy meal or b.) an especially delicious one. Same with men. Men find ways to spend some time around you in an effort to determine if you are either easily bedded, or attractive/interesting/fun. Most guys won’t actually physically circle you, but hey, we’re so desperate for ideas that I wouldn’t be surprised if some do.
  5. HOW THEY FIND SHARKS: If shark documentary photographers want to get footage of a shark, they don’t drive 700 miles inland to set up their shark cages on the dirt, in an effort to make sure they weed out the sharks that aren’t really serious, in the hopes of finding “the one” (i.e. the shark who will overcome all of the obstacles that they deliberately put in front of it). The sharks would all read that as a “this is apparently not a meal for me” signal, and go after something in, say, the ocean. If you want to let a man know that you are interested/available, don’t do that by showing him how unavailable you are. We can barely understand you people when you’re being straightforward.
  6. CAN’T TALK ABOUT FEELINGS: Just try asking a shark how it feels. That shark doesn’t know what the hell you’re talking about. And neither does a man. Both will just stare at you so blankly, you’ll think they’ve just been unplugged. (And not in a fun, Sheryl Crow on VH1 kind of way, either.) At that point, the shark might bite you in half, which is a big downside of even trying this out. The man will more likely just flounder about and try to make up some answer that sounds reasonable. Either way though, I’d avoid this one.
  7. NASAL WEAKNESS: If you punch a shark in the nose, it really hurts. If you punch a man in the nose, it also really hurts. (Turns out nobody really likes that.)
I hope that answers every question that any of you have ever had about men. It doesn’t? How about sharks? Well, I bet it at least answers any questions you had about how much marine biology training I’ve had.
I wish you all a happy, healthy, and joyous Shark Week. See you tomorrow!

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