A reader named Anxious is, uh, anxious. Man, what a lucky break that is, huh? If she anxious was named “totally relaxed” it would just be weird, right? Huh? Huh?
Ok, here’s the thing. She’s just started dating a guy and she really likes him. Trouble is, she’s not the only one who likes him. An old friend of his has made HER intentions known. What can Anxious do? How can she know what he’s thinking?
No worries, Anx, I’ve got this one covered.
I’ve been casually dating a guy for about a month. By casual I mean we see each other once or twice a week, and generally talk (via email or text)maybe 5 days a week? Always initiated by him.
Sounds like a good, casual, fun start. And it’s a good sign that he’s initiating. Good, understandable, readable material there. It says, “I like spending time talking to you, so I’m-a keep doin’ it.”
He recently got out of a relationship - and though we’ve both expressed feelings for each other, neither of us want to rush into anything.
Good idea. Then again, last time I said that was when I began dating my, you know, wife, so don’t go by me.
Now that he is newly single, his best female friend confessed HER feelings for him. He told me all of this - and that they are just friends. I know it’s a good sign he is honest with me, but I can’t help but be jealous and feel threatened.
Yes, both of those things are right. It IS a good sign that he’s telling you about this — it would be a very NOT good sign if you found out that he’d been hiding this. And yes, of course it’s going to feel weird and threatening, especially since you’ve just started dating.
If we continue dating like this for a few months, or this situation eventually turns into a relationship - I don’t know if I can ever be comfortable knowing this girl is “waiting” for him to come around. (oh and she said she would wait…)
Are you saying…you’re gonna have her whacked? Because otherwise, you might have to deal with the fact that she’s waiting. But remember, she’s not your problem. It’s about him. (More on that in a minute.)
There will be times when I don’t hear from him for a day or two, and I’m trying to be okay with that now that I know her motives- but I know they talk daily. I also know that she initiates more than I do.
The good news is that more initiating is not what makes a man fall in love with you. Oh and less initiating doesn’t either. It just sorta happens. Put another way, if he doesn’t like her, she can call all day long — she’s not going to “wear him down.” There’s no convincing here. And if he does like her? Well, nothing anybody can do about that either.
I’m not sure how or if I should draw the line and walk away - and am scared I’m running away from something too soon that with time, could turn out really great.
What do I do and how Do I know if I should trust him? (i.e. if actions speak louder than words - what actions should I keep an eye out for?).
Dear Anxious,
Ok, tough situation, right? It’s early, so what right do you have to dictate who he spends time with? And at ANY stage, “dictating” isn’t a great idea. Unless he’s your secretary in the 1950s, which I’ll go ahead and assume he’s not.
Here are a couple of things to think about.
- THE OTHER WOMAN HAS NO POWER OVER HIM. No, no, I mean it. She’s got no magical powers. If he is interested in her, well, that’s how it is. She can’t make him do that.
- ER…NEITHER DO YOU: You can’t make him like you. You can’t make him stop being friends with her. What you CAN do is make him think that you’re a jealous, controlling person who is more trouble than you’re worth by constantly checking up on him with this other woman. That, you can do.
So, what do you do? How can you tell he’s interested in you (and not her)? First, here are a few things to watch out for, conveniently titled…
A FEW THINGS TO WATCH OUT FOR
- SECRECY: The good news is, he’s already showing you that he’s not interested in this one. If a guy is with one woman but likes another, he’s likely not going to talk about the other woman.
- DISTANCE: If, when you’re with him, it feels like he’s someplace else, this isn’t a great sign. Again, this is not about HER, it’s about HIM. You want a guy who, when he’s with you, he is really with you, focused on you, eager to spend time with YOU. Again, sounds like he’s on board with this one as well.
- BS EXCUSES: If this guy start’s being “crazy busy” or just can’t seem to find the time to be with you, well, that’s never a good sign. Doesn’t sound like you’re describing one of those. 2 days between contact isn’t so bad that it’s suspicious to me.
Now, if these all sound a little bit like stuff to watch out for to determine the health of ANY relationship, that’s not a coincidence. One more time — this problem is not about HER. It’s about whether or not he likes you. If he does, she can’t screw that up. And if she tries, he’ll be annoyed with her, not “convinced.” And if he doesn’t, well, game over anyway.
SO WHAT CAN YOU DO?
I would say this. The number one thing you should do in this (or really any new relationship) is to, as best you can, KEEP THE AIRLOCK OPEN.
I use that metaphor a lot, and I think it makes a ton of sense early on. In fact, I’d say that’s the best thing that my enwifened lady faire and I did from the very beginning. No walls up, no major defenses. It was either going to work, or it wasn’t, as is. Like I said, I had just gotten out of a relationship, and I didn’t have the energy to bother with all of the games.
I went out on a few dates with a few women, and it was simply not possible to keep the airlock open with them. We weren’t a good fit, so buh-bye, right? With Liz, it was impossible not to, even if we’d tried.
Now, that’s the downside of keeping the airlocks open — if it’s not going to work out, well, you’re gonna find out about it. Like, pronto. But if you guys ARE a match, this kind of relaxed, open communication is what you’ll be able to give him that no one else will.
Good luck, Anxious. I know it feels lousy when there’s competition for your person. But really, I swear, there isn’t any. Not really. If he’s your guy, there’s nothing she can do about it.
What can she do to see what he’s doing, ladies? Should she be worried?
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