Is She Expecting Too Much From a Younger Man?

Allice (spelled with two “L”s several times on the form, so go blame her parents) is having a relationship with a guy who is a decade and a half younger than her. He seems to have a hard time sailing nigh the land of the “L word.” Not the show, people. He won’t say he loves her. Is she expecting too much from one so young? Hm? Hello? Let’s find out.

I feel such a cliche asking this question but I am at my wits end!

Well, don’t let the fact that you used the cliche “at my wits end” in that sentence then. It’ll only make things worse.

Im a very emotional person and have been in a seven month relationship with a guy 15 years my junior whom I love deeply.

Good on you, Allice. Bagging a young’un. Nicely done.

He is a “typical” unemotional guy, and while he spends 90% of his time at my house, shares his life with my children (one of whom is only nine years younger than him)he can’t verbalize his emotions.  He told me he wasn’t sure if he loved me because he had never felt like this about anyone before and he had never been in love before so he didn’t know but he thought he did, yet seven months in and he hasn’t said “IT”.

I don’t know, Allice. I have to tell you, that sounds like he verbalized his emotions pretty well. He told you that he wasn’t sure what he was feeling. I know that’s not definitive, but give him at least that much credit. A “typical unemotional guy” as you say….well, you might not even get that much from such a guy. Just saying.

I am of the belief if he did love me he would tell me, how could it be that hard?

Well, that’s the question, isn’t it? How could it be that hard? For you? It couldn’t be. For other people? Sometimes it’s really hard. And for a young guy who has already admitted to you that he’s not sure that he loves you because he’s never felt it before? Yeah, that might be a whole different bucket of owls. (You’ve got me paranoid about using cliches, so I made one up instead of saying “kettle of fish.” Not sure it works.)

I know I am coming from a different mindset, but I am starting to question if, as an emotional person, I can be with someone who isnt able to share with me.

Ok, now THAT is the real question, isn’t it? Given that you are how YOU are and he is how HE is, is this going to work, as is? That is the question.

Am I expecting too much of someone so much younger than me?

Mm…I don’t know if the youth is the factor or not. Or more to the point, I don’t think it matters WHY he’s the way he is as much as THAT he is, yes?

I just dont feel my emotional needs are being met and its causing insecurities with me which are affecting the relationship…

HELP

Dear Allice with two “L”s,

Well, unfortunately, I think this is going to end up being a lot less about him than it is about you and what you want. You said it yourself. He seems to be treating the word “Love” differently from you, and can someone like you be with someone like him? Not sure, but here are a couple of things to think about:

AH, YOUTH!

Is this about his age? I suppose it might be. If he has, as he told you, never felt love before, never felt like THIS before…sure, that might contribute to him not being totally ready for the kind of relationship you’re ready for.

But that’s not a reason to stop wanting that relationship. Either he can deliver it or he can’t, but you still want it, right?

YOUR NEEDS MET? NOT SO MUCH

You said it yourself. You don’t feel your needs are being met. It’s affecting your life, your relationship. So, what to do about that? What’s the best strategy here? I think you have a couple of options:

1. Do Nothing: You could just wait him out, see if it’s going to get any better. After all, the only cure for excessive youth is basically, “Take two aspirin and call me in 2020.” I’m not sure I can wholeheartedly recommend this since, you know, time affects YOU as well. Hey, it could work. But it seems like a long, lousy wait could be in your future.
2. The Talk: Acknowledging exactly what’s happening in your relationship will only end things if the relationship is destined for failure, Allice. I swear. But if you can say to him, “Listen, I feel like we’re operating in different ways here, but I need to know you’re in this with me. This is how I operate–” and then tell him how YOU would like a relationship to go. Then ask him, “What can we do here? I want us BOTH to get what we want. Can we both get what we need here?“

Again, I recommend step two for the simple fact that you will be asking for exactly what you want. You will see how he behaves once he knows just what you’re looking for. And to repeat — YOU WILL NOT DRIVE HIM AWAY UNLESS HE’S ALREADY GOT ONE FOOT OUT THE DOOR. Asking for what you want is not a problem in a relationship. Not a good one anyway. And not asking for what you want is the root of a HUGE number of problems.

Good luck, Allice. The worst that can happen from asking for what you want is that you’ll learn the truth. Never a bad thing.

Ever trained a young’un to say the L word? What can Allice do here?