How Early Is Too Early to Talk Babies?


Sara’s got a leeeetle problem with her beau. They’re nuts about each other, so that ain’t it. He’s sweet to her, so all is well on that front. The problem is this: she wants babies one day, and he says that he does not.
This is one of those situations that Aristotle used to describe as, “a real pisser.” It’s a tough one.  So, what should she do? They’re only 21 and 22 years old. Is it too early to start talking about this? Might he change his mind? What’s all this about?
Let’s see what we can figure out.
I am in desperate need of your council, oh Great Manslator.
Man, is THAT ever a great way to start a question.
I have been dating a guy for about 7 months now, and we have been living together for the past 5 or so.  Things have been going very well and we are quite happy together.  I am his first girlfriend and he’s a sweetie.
Then, the other day, the boy who jokes that he would wait 7 years for marriage starts asking me about kids.  I have studied to be an elementary school teacher, and I am madly in love with kids.  He knows this, and now he’s worried because he says he doesn’t want any kids.
Now, I’m 21 and he’s 22, so it’s a bit premature to be talking this way, but he says that he doesn’t want to wait till we’re 30 to talk about it, only to lose me because I won’t bend on the kid’s issue.
Not for nothing, but kudos to this guy for wanting to talk about this openly, and ASAP. A lot of guys would just try to avoid this sort of talk entirely. And by “a lot of guys” I mean, “Jeff Mac as he used to be in old relationships.” (Lucky for me, I’m now in a marriage where everybody agrees on this issue 100%.)
We talked for awhile and got nowhere really, and we have agreed to talk about it at a later date, but I’m guessing it’s going to come up sooner rather than later.
I’m thrilled that he’s so serious about the two of us and our future, but how likely is it that a guy will change his mind on this issue?  I need children in my life, but he says that with all the travel he wants to do, he thinks it would be an unstable environment for the kids.  This surprises me, because he is very family-oriented and loves his parents  very much.
So how long should a couple wait to start diving into these questions?  And is there any compromise?
Dear Sara,
Wow, this is a tough one, isn’t it? This is one of those “for life” kinds of things that both people are going to have to agree upon either way, if the relationship is going to work, right?
In my current situation, the Enwifened Lady Faire and I are in perfect agreement (both vote “no” on kids) but as I hinted at before, I was once in a long-term, serious relationship where we didn’t agree. And as you suspect, the issue really doesn’t go away, you know? How could it?
HOW EARLY IS TOO EARLY?
I don’t know that there is an easy way to tell you when is the right time for a couple to get into this. And it seems like you’re already in there. Can’t really get that particular genie back into the bottle. Or unring the bell, if you prefer. Or get the horse back into the…barn? I don’t know if that’s one, but the point is that once you say it (and you did) this is always out there.
The obvious fact is this: There’s not really ANY “compromise” on this one, is there? Somebody’s got to change their position on this one, or it will always be a problem.  I mean, if YES KIDS is a dealbreaker for you and NO KIDS is a dealbreaker for him, and everybody sticks to their guns, well, that’s the ballgame.
Ok, you’re here now. What to do?
ONE, TWO, THREE, WHAT’RE WE FIGHTIN…UH…FOUR?
Ok, that was my little way of saying that there are about to be four things here. See the numbers? Well, there you go.
  1. Don’t kid yourself. Don’t think he’ll change his mind if he is telling you otherwise directly. You’ve got to take his word for it. Maybe he’ll change, maybe he won’t, but he knows better than you do. No, no, REALLY. Don’t distrust his word just because you think he’d be such a great dad. (Hey, I’d be a great hot air balloon pilot, but I’m not running out to get my license…yet.)And I agree with you — you might be a little young to be making lifelong pronouncements. But you do know what you know. And he knows what he knows. For now, anyway. You’ve got to go on what you KNOW, not the opposite of what you know when you know that’s not what HE now knows. You know?
  2. Remember what YOU want. If you need to have kids and he needs NOT to, then he can’t be the guy you’re going to spend the rest of your life with. Impossible. And if you know you can’t get what you need with him, well, you’ve got to deal with that. Maybe not NOW, this minute. But if this disagreement doesn’t go away, you know you’ve got to stay on target.
  3. Make sure he knows where you’re at, but respect where HE’s at: You don’t want to be pressuring him to change. First of all, that’s never going to work anyway. No, really. No, I swear. Trust me as a man who has been pressured to consider having kids — if he doesn’t want ‘em, pressure will not help.Secondly, it’s not very nice, you know? I mean, you want what YOU want, why can’t he want what HE wants, right?
    Now, that said, there’s nothing wrong with saying, “Listen, I know you said that you don’t want kids. I am not looking for you to tell me what I want to hear, but you need to know that kids most certainly ARE in my future. That’s who I am. And sooner or later we will have to deal with that.“
  4. Remember that you want each other to be happy: Look, if you want opposite things, you aren’t going to be happy together. And if that’s the way it goes, that’s RIGHT. The last thing either of you wants is for the other person to commit to a life they don’t want. Er…right?
    Keep this kind of talk in the realm of, “We are on the same team here. We are attempting to make BOTH of our lives as ridiculously happy as possible.“  And if that means that you have to break it off and look for other partners, well, that’s what it means. But don’t turn it into both of you saying, basically, “Can’t you just change who you are so that you fit in with MY life?“
Good luck, Sara. This really is a tough one. I know what it’s like to be caught between these two ideologies. Tough place to be. Best thing you can do is to remember you two love each other and want each other to have what you want in life — no matter WHO you two end up with long-term.
What’s your take, folks? Ever had this disagreement? How did it play out?
If you liked that, you might also like...

Комментарии

Отправить комментарий