A reader named NotScary is having a problem. Or rather, her fantastic new man is having a bit of a problem. Down Under. No, he’s not wanted for petty larceny in Australia. The other Down Under. When they get ready to do sex unto one another, he gets too nervous and down he goes.
So naturally, NotScary wants to know what she can do to help. Well, let’s see what we can do here to get that flag flying at full mast, shall we? Well, that or we’ll just see about helping him maintain an erection. Either way, though, let’s help.
Ok, so I’ve started dating this wonderful amazing guy. He is under the impression that I am also absolutely amazing and its so fantastic. We’re a long distance relationship and we only met a few weeks ago, but we have managed to see eachother every weekend. This past one he came and stayed with me for three days and it was terrific.
This sounds HORRIBLE! You poor, poor thing…oh, hold on. There’s more.
But here’s the problem…. he says he’s too nervous or something to have sex.
Ah. Well, that isn’t nearly as terrific or fantastic as the other stuff, yes.
We do everything but when it comes down to actually doing the deed, he “loses it” if you know what I mean.
Yes, I believe that I know what you mean.
I can see how much its frusturating him, and we did finally manage to start going but if any distractions comes along its over.
I’m not being unkind, I promise, but this made me burst out laughing. I’m picturing you two, going on ahead, getting it started, and a cuckoo clock goes off, and, “Aw, forget it!” Seriously, though, I’m not making fun. I swear, we’ll get to some real advice very soon.
He told me it would have been easier for him if he didn’t really like me but he says he cares too much and he’s over thinking it. What can I do to help him get over this?
Dear NotScary,
Let me first say something that should be obvious to anyone on the planet Earth. Or other planets, if they have internet access there.
DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT AN EXPERT.
Seriously. Not in anything at all. I’m not a doctor (and his problem could be physical) and I’m not a psychiatric professional (and the problem could be there as well.) So let’s just take for granted that this issue could be in areas in which this website is way WAY out of its depth, in which case he’s likely going to have to deal with someone who actually paid attention in college.
That said, let’s see what you might be able to do to help. I’d suggest that here are a few general rules of thumb. The main thing here is that right now, he’s dealing with a constantly compounding terror. He’s afraid, so he can’t get it up. And then he’s afraid that if he DOESN’T get it up, you’re not going to want to be with him, which makes it even more difficult. And then, if he DOES get it up, he seems to be terrified that anything that happens might make him lose it again, which then of course, does.
So, what can you be doing/thinking about to help.
- NO BIG DEAL TO YOU: Come right out and acknowledge the fact that you know guys worry about this, like, “I know in every movie when this happens, the woman says something like, ‘Oh, this happens to lots of guys,’ or something. And it never helps. And I know it really bothers you, I get that. But I just want you to know that it doesn’t bother ME. We’ll figure it out however we figure it out.“
- NO SECRET: Don’t let this become some Big Unspoken Thing. I’m not saying you have to dissect every moment/word/feeling. (In fact, in your quest to help a man become less self conscious where his genitals are involved, let the word “dissect” stay the hell out of it.) All I’m suggesting is, don’t reassure his fear that this is something shameful that he’s supposed to work out separately from you, and then come back when he’s firing on all cylinders. Again, no biggie.
- THIS IS TEMPORARY: Let him know that you have ZERO worries that this will be a stumbling block for you two forever. “You know, this is not a permanent problem. That’s just not how this works. We’ll move past this at some point, and then we’ll be past it.“
- GET ON THE SAME SIDE: This is the main thing. He can’t think for a second that it’s you trying to get him to figure this thing out already. That just won’t help. It’s you AND him vs. this challenge that has nothing to do with him or how you feel about him.
- FIXING THIS IS, YOU KNOW, FUN: Let him know, “Listen, this is going to be the most fun problem anybody ever gets to fix.“
- TRY, TRY AGAIN: I know that some people will suggest a moratorium on shagging to let his fears cool off. I say go the other way. No lack-of-boner can withstand constant sexual attention. I’m not saying to keep trying for sex all day. But keep on making out, keep on flirting, keep on being sexy at him. If he gets nervous about what comes next, tell him, “Forget about that. We’ll get there when we get there. We’re in the middle of making out right now.” Allow yourself to get really turned on. Teach him how to get you off in other ways. I would be willing to bet that once he gets a sense of what it’s like to REALLY turn you on, his downstairs neighbor will be more than interested in getting in on the action.
- JEDI MIND TRICK: In essence, be more confident in your ability to get him UP than he is UNconfident in his inability in that area. Let him know, in no uncertain terms, that you have NO intention of losing this battle. That you are ready, willing, and able to do everything in your power to make this minor problem vanish.
Good luck, NotScary. The key here is to let him know that there really is no pressure. You’re crazy about him, and you are 100% confident that once you get over the hump, whenever that happens, you know you’ll hump.
Ever help a guy overcome performance anxiety, ladies? How’d you do it?
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