A reader named Sasha is wondering if the fact that she’s had relatively few sexual partners is going to be a turnoff for the dudes out there. Well, is it? Personally, I think it’s the same thing as having a whole LOT of sexual partners — and by that I mean, it’s all about how YOU feel about your own choices. Let’s get her details, and I’ll show you what I mean.
hi…ok, here goes. I’m 32, got married at 19 to my first bf, and now am separated. most people would consider me very attractive and I have an outgoing, friendly and caring personality. The situation: I’ve only had sex with one man. yep, you heard me right, one person. The few strangers that I’ve actually shared that with, stare at me as if I’m lying. Apparently, if you’re attractive, that can’t possibly be true. The problem: I’ve only had sex with ONE man.
The question: DO YOU THINK MEN PREFER A WOMAN WITH MORE SEXUAL EXPERIENCE? Yes, I’ve obviously had sex countless times, but always with the same man, so I have no idea how “good” i am or not. I really enjoy sex, am not afraid to show it, and like to be romantic, so I think I’m alright. What I’d also really like to know is that if I were to tell a guy I’m interested in that I’ve only been with one man, what would he think?? Is this something a guy would appreciate (in this day and age) or would it be a turn off??
Please help. This is the one thing that I can’t seem to figure out. I know I don’t have to disclose this sort of info when dating someone, but if asked, I don’t want to lie.I really believe in honesty and I guess I really want to think that a guy who truly liked me would find this fact to be a positive thing. Oh, and I should add: I could easily sleep around, there’d be no shortage of guys wanting to have sex with me, but I simply have too much respect for myself to do that. I really do only want to have sex with someone I at least care about.
I’d really like to get your opinion on this please. Thanks!
Dear Sasha,
Sounds like your last statement says it all — sure, you COULD sleep around, but that’s not what you want to do. You respect yourself too much to do something you don’t want to do. Absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Seriously, I wouldn’t worry about this too much. In fact, you might be at a distinct advantage in some situations. A lot of men aren’t wild about picturing you having sex with anybody, let alone a whole LOT of anybodies.
IT’S ALL ABOUT RESPECT
Here’s the thing. There’s all kinds of advice out there about sex. Do it as often as you want. Do NOT do it unless you know he’s into you. Wait X amount of dates/weeks/months. Whatever it is. But here’s the secret: All of this advice is about SIMULATING self-respect.
Yes. That’s what it all is. It’s all about ACTING like you respect yourself. Because the other half of that secret is, if you ALREADY respect yourself, well, you can do whatever you damn well please.
OH, SHE’S ONE OF THOSE GIRLS…
Look at the opposite end of the spectrum, for example. When you hear about men thinking that women who sleep around are “sluts,” well, I think that’s more about some of the specific women who do that. Some women sleep around because they don’t respect themselves, and they want men to like them, right? Well, who’s going to respect that? She doesn’t, so why should someone else?
On the flipside, some people have sex whenever they feel like it because they respect themselves, and they truly don’t care what other people think about it. They just aren’t hung up about that. And who wouldn’t respect that?
Same goes for your situation, Sasha. You do what you do — not because you’re hung up about sex. You do it because it’s how you ARE. That’s going to be cool with the guys you are looking for.
FULL DISCLOSURE? MEH.
I also don’t think that this is the kind of thing you need to pre-disclose — it’s just not that big a deal. And if you’re asked, the right guys for you won’t find it to be a turnoff. Might raise an eyebrow, sure. As you already know, it’s not all that common. But I can’t imagine anyone thinking it to be an “unattractive” quality.
Obviously, as you get to know someone, he’s already going to know that you got married young and just separated, so he’ll probably be able to do some of the math on his own. (Then again, I haven’t taken math since I was a junior in high school, and I wasn’t so hot at it even then. I figured as a comedian, the dollar amounts I was going to be dealing with wouldn’t really merit much study in that area. A kindergartener coul pretty much do those “calculations” in his head.)
Good luck, Sasha. And no worries on this one. You did what you did, and you’ve done nothing even close to wrong (and you know it). Anyone who feels differently, well, they’re not your guy.
What’s your experience, ladies? Do guys like a girl with a little mileage on her?
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