Today, Donna writes in that her husband’s mind is wandering. Sounds like she pressed him until he told her exactly what the fantasies were, too. (Not literally, like, with a big stone or something. Though I think she probably wants to now.) Which…well, we’ll get to why that was probably not a great idea. She wants to know…how is fantasizing NOT cheating? Read on to find out:
My husband and I have been married for over 12 years. We have 5 beautiful children together ranging from 11 years to 8 months. When we were married I was a size 6. After 5 children I am still about 80 pounds over what I used to be. I have always been thin, until I had kids. Now “metabolic syndrome” they call it is making my body think it is in starvation mode and will not burn fat, just keeps storing it. My husband knows that my weight really bothers me…..But my brother and his wife go to the strip club. So we’ve been going for several years, becuz I don’t look like that anymore, why can’t he still look at it? How stupid am I to think that he really was only looking, and it didn’t go beyond that?We had a discussion last Friday night and he was finally honest with me. I asked if he fantasized about any of the strippers…of course he lied, and lied…but finally said “yes” and the fantasies are in vivid detail and he described a few to me (I’m sure they were VERY watered down). THese fantasies were going on while I was always right next to him. But he says these fantasies are only when I take him to the strip clubs. Of course, more and more lately, he ALWAYS wants to go to the strip club.I was devasted when he told me this. This man is my lover, my best friend and my life. i can’t imagine life with out him….but now I can’t ever imagine him touching me again. It is like he has ripped out my heart. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Do all men fantasize? Does he do this when we have been having sex….he denies this last part, but he has lied so much lately!I can honestly say that I have not fantasied about sex with other men…it has never even crossed my mind because I am happy in the relationship I am in, I don’t need any one else. Does this mean he is not happy with our relationship? He says it’s not cheating, and he would never never cheat on me…but he’s ____ing other women in his head! HOw it that NOT cheating?
Dear Donna,
Well, before we get started, I have good news. This stuff is NOT related to your weight. It’s not about your body. It’s got nothing to do with him being unhappy with you, your body, or the relationship. The fact is, these fantasies did not just begin in the past few years. They began when he was 12 or so, and they have been going on roughly, oh, let’s say “all day long” from that moment until this one.
You ask if all men fantasize, and the answer is that yes, yes we do. As I mentioned in this post, fantasies don’t really mean to us what they seem to mean to most women I know. It’s not a voluntary thing for us to think about such things. It’s not always even a conscious thing that we’re paying attention to (think: cleaning the house with the TV on.) It’s a reactive thing, and no more controllable than the urge to, say, “breathe.”
WHY CAN’T MEN JUST NOT THINK ABOUT THAT?!
I took a little flak in the comments section of that last post from a guy who said that it was irresponsible to blame this on biology, and that men need to fight this tooth and nail to defeat it. And another commenter said that “men think they have a right to these thoughts because they’re MEN.” I respect their opinions, but I just can not agree.
Actually, that 2nd commenter was half-right. I think that EVERYONE has the right to ANY thoughts, whenever they have them, men or women. But that’s just me. I reject the idea that thoughts are dangerous in the same way that I reject the idea that if a normal kid plays video games, he will become a murderer. People used to say that about rap. And heavy metal before that. And the Beatles. Before that it was Elvis. And before that it was jazz. No, seriously.
I think it’s a big, big mistake to turn any thoughts into something to be “defeated.” Personally (and this is just my opinion — I can tell it’s mine because I’m the one typing it. That’s how I can always tell.) I believe that anytime you try to deny your own thoughts, you’re guaranteed to do only one thing: make yourself feel lousy when you fail at it.
Well, either that or get some major boomerang action by half-suppressing something and making it “forbidden.” (see: Gov. Spitzer, destroyer of prostitution rings…and high-paying customer. Or: Larry Craig, the guy who wants to ban gay marriage…and also the guy who solicits gay sex in a toilet. Or: The Rev. Ted Haggard who was very vocally anti-gay…but also bought meth from a male hooker/masseur. I could go on…)
In these cases, it wasn’t their failure to repress these thoughts that was the problem. It was their lack of control over their ACTIONS.
HOW IS THIS NOT CHEATING?
I’ll tell you exactly how — it’s involuntary. You say that this kind of fantasy never crosses your mind. My girlfriend says the same thing. And I am happy to believe her, even if it’s not true. And if she does think about other men, boy, I do NOT want to know. But let’s say it’s true, and women are able to just not think about other men. Well, then that’s what you need to understand — evidently he (along with every man I know) is not like that. Men don’t choose what to think about in this realm.
I personally believe that it’s not cheating because he’s not doing anything about it. Whatever his mind is doing up there, if he still chooses only you I see that as being faithful. Now, that’s just me. If you think of these thoughts as cheating, well, you’re definitely with a cheater. And so are all the other women on this planet. Possibly other planets as well.
SO MEN HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THIS??!
No, I would say that men absolutely have the ability to control several aspects of this. What can (and should) most men be able to control?
- WHAT HE DOES: Look, regardless of whatever nonsense is going on inside my warped little mind, I would never, ever cheat on my lady fair. Never. The two things are not related. I can’t choose all of my thoughts — they come and they go without asking for permission — but I can and do choose my actions. Your husband seems to say the same thing.
- WHAT HE SAYS: The other thing I wouldn’t do is to talk about or describe this stuff to her. Why do that? I know it would certainly hurt my feelings to know any details about fantasies that she might have. Given how little weight these things carry in my life, I would never want to burden her with knowing all of that nonsense. And she doesn’t ask. We both know that a.) it’s happening in my mind only, b.) it’s not something I’m nurturing in myself, and c.) I’m never going to act on it.
WHAT TO DO?Look, while I believe that it’s perfectly normal and natural for a man to have these thoughts, I’ll tell you this much — I also think that it is irresponsible and thoughtless for him to wave it in your face. (Personally, I’m not big on anybody waving anything in someone’s face. It’s just not nice.) He knows you’re insecure about your body, and he damn well should know that when you see him leering at women who are teeny-tiny and enhanced by science fiction and silicone, it makes you feel lousy about yourself. And while I don’t believe any thoughts he might have on the subject are a betrayal, those actions are.
He should be perfectly capable of understanding that these stripper fantasies hurt your feelings. He should be ready to break his back making sure you know that you are the only woman in his life. And before you say it, yes, I know, he should already know not to sit next to you at a strip club, since he should already know it’s going to hurt your feelings.
Well…we’re sometimes pretty dumb about that. I mean, we know that these fantasies don’t mean anything to US, but some of us forget that they might mean something big to YOU.
I’d say it’s time for The Talk. He’s got to understand (as I’m guessing that he’s learned of late) that these fantasies hurt your feelings. These strip club trips hurt your feelings. You are only too aware that your body doesn’t look like theirs and even the slightest hint that he’s looking at them because he’s dissatisfied with you (even if that’s not why he’s doing it) really hurts your feelings.
I’d say that he should be able to hear that, “Listen, I don’t know if this is news to you, but this stuff really, really hurts me. Look whatever’s going on in your mind, I need to know in no uncertain terms that I am the only woman for you.”
Good luck, Donna. And if he can’t listen to that — that you need to know that he’s yours, that he still chooses you and ONLY you, even after all these years? Well, these strip clubs and fantasies aren’t your biggest problem.
What do you think ladies? Are thoughts cheating? What’s to be done here?
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