Donna is feeling insecure about her body image and her husband should be sensitive to how this whole strip club thing is hurting her feelings. This may require the talk. Not all women are offended by men’s fantasies - some actually enjoy them if they make for interesting pillowtalk. But we’re all different and he may not realize (because you go along with it) what this is doing to you.
However it’s perfectly natural for men to think about sex with other women but it doesn’t mean he’s actually going to do the deed. A healthy fantasy life can be a good thing. Donna you just need to make it clear that it makes you uncomfortable. But it’s definitely not cheating - those are two very different things.
I could be wrong but I’ve been in this position. I used to do the same thing. I would go with my ex to strip clubs, quite honestly, it was a turn on for us both, he would get turned on and take it out on me, which of course, I loved.
BUT…. and that’s a big BUT….
In the end, I was only setting myself up for failure. I did not look like those girls, mind you I was small framed, but had nothing up top to speak of which bothered me personally. It weighed on my mind that I should have assets like they had and maybe he liked theirs better……and so on and so on and so on.
It started to become a problem for me as I became more insecure about my body image. Then it all went out the window. I was insecure and he did not understand why I no longer wanted to visit the strip clubs with him, he didn’t understand that it no longer turned me on.
But…..since the behavior was acceptable for such a long time, it was difficult for him to let it go. Hence, the I set myself up for failure. By accepting him gawking at other females, when I pulled back, it was too late.
Maybe I had a bad apple, but after 5 years of allowing the behavior, he didn’t want to stop after I voiced my hesitations.
So now, It’s not something I would ever do again. Probably wasn’t much help.
My take on this is that it’s probably true that men about fantasize about women all the time, and that it’s involuntary. I’m not a man, so I’ve got no experience of it, but, I have met men who are very clear about that (a friend of mine said one that he wanted to have sex with every woman he knew, and that that always the case for him - but he didn’t do it when he was in a relationship with someone). Regarding every other man, I of course don’t know, but my hunch is that men don’t go around telling this to women, because they think they will hurt us, and so it’s become a bit tabu (especially when religion is by the middle, with for instance, catholicism portraying it as sin).
Assuming that is true: assuming that all men do it and that it’s involuntary, which I think is likely (although I suppose there may be variations of degree), then… nothing that you can do about it… the only thing is to accept it.
Having said that, I think it’s awful that your husband has told you, it shows great insensitivity to your feelings. One thing is that for him is natural and does not mean cheating: that doesn’t make it OK for him to tell you.
I don’t know: for some people ignorance is a blessing, some other people think hiding things is in itself lying… what you make of it?
If it had been me, I would not have wanted my partner to tell me. But I would also not have gone with him to striptease clubs.
That’s part of their life, and they have to deal with it. Whether you want to share that part of his life is a decision you have to make for yourself.
Hope this is helpful.
It seems to me that Jeff and the other readers aren’t giving your husband enough credit for trying to protect your feelings. Like Jeff said, these thoughts are bound to pop into our heads from time to time and usually we’re very good at keeping them to ourselves. When you confronted your husband you mentioned that he lied… and then lied again… and then finally told you. I see the first two instances of lying as trying to protect your feelings. I mean, let’s look at the other ways this conversation could have gone after you asked him the first time.
a) if he came right out and said it without hesitation then whatever he actually said would have seemed like it was on the tip of his tongue and would have been translated in your mind into “Thank god she finally asked me, I’ve been dying to tell her about these fantasies with other women”
b) if he continued to lie about it (and I’m assuming you asked him another version of the question after every time he lied, eventually prompting him to tell the truth), but if he did continue to answer every version of the same question with a lie then I doubt you’d feel any better than you did before the conversation began. And he would feel even worse, because every further instance of the same question would just pound it into his head that you trusted him less and less. He might bottle up completely and never feel comfortable telling you how he feels, because this conversation would have seemed accusatory.
c) perhaps the best course of action would have been to give a partial truth with less detail, something like “honey, I do have thoughts about those other girls sometimes but I don’t want to describe them to you because I think they’d upset you. I love only you and would never act on those thoughts.” Again, this seems like the best way for this conversation to go, but it still could pose problems of its own. I know a few of my ex girlfriends would have taken that as meaning “sorry honey, but the thoughts I have are just so damn kinky and great that I don’t want to share them with you….” and they’d totally ignore the part where I said I cared only for them and I’d never act on my thoughts. A lot of times the unknown is even more intimidating. You’d have been left wondering, Well what *are* those thoughts? Is it something wild that we’ve never done together?
So I think the way it went down was probably the way it should have. He tried to protect your feelings a number of times with lies, eventually told you the truth and even gave a watered down (and probably not too intimidating) version of his thoughts to you. Maybe it didn’t all end perfectly, but I think you have a guy that cares about you. Jeff is right in that you should have a talk with him about the strip clubs and how it makes you feel. An honest talk that doesn’t put him on the spot or seem accusatory.
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