A reader named Chloe has bagged herself a rich boy! However, he’s been burned before by women who just want him for his giant piles of doubloons that he keeps in bathtubs and pirate chests around the house. (For the purposes of this manslation, I will be picturing Scrooge McDuck. My website, my prerogative.) He’s been honest with her that he has this fear, and now Chloe wants to know — how can she show him she’s not just in it to count da money (”de MonAY, de MonAY!!”)
Hi !
I have been dating a man for several months now. We met on a blind date through mutual friends and fell completely in love. It has taken us both by storm as we have both been single for a long time and have both struggled with commitment issues. We spend two nights a week with each other and every weekend. This is impressive as he lives in the city and I am deep in the suburbs. We are very open and honest with each other and communicate pretty well.
This sounds like pretty much the best beginning of a love story ever. Of course, you know, love stories don’t end there. Where shall we find ye olde flye in the ointmente?
A couple of nights ago at dinner, after I had gone shopping with his card for clothes (he gave me a budget of $300….I pouted but then only spent $200 …also it was for my birthday) he brought up how he has been paranoid in all his relationships that women only like him for his money and it is a big insecurity he has and is a reason why at times he can be a little distant. I know he is pretty wealthy but I honestly don’t care. Ive dated men from all economic backgrounds and at my age (33) have learned that it means squat.
The “pouting” at being given a “budget” when using his card — this makes me wonder if it isn’t why the whole subject came up. Hard to tell w/o more information, but we’ll see what else comes up here.
Needless to say it hurt me that he has concerns about this but more importantly I am having a hard time thinking of ways in which to make him feel otherwise. He was not being accusatory…just honest…and it is hard for him to open up sometimes so this obviously is a major issue for him. I never ask for money from him…yes he pays for dinners and cabs and groceries. He also pays for my parking in the city at his bldg which can run us $200 a week sometimes. But he likes to pay since I drive a very far distance to see him. Would maybe paying for some of these things once in a while help? Im just not sure how to handle this one and I dont want his past issues to ruin our future. Thank you…..Chloe
Dear Chloe,
Honestly, I think you are likely ok here. The little stuff that you’re talking about — dinners, groceries, parking, monacle cleaning solution — if he’s a rich guy, I’m sure he’s not worried about that per se. I really think it was the fact that he gave you his credit card with a “budget” and the number displeased you (even though you came in under the proposed budget, it was your initial reaction.)
ALERT! ALERT!
Here’s my guess. I think that moment made him suddenly flash back to the warning signs he got in these past relationships — the ones with the, how do you say, “slimebag gold diggers”? It made him wonder — even if only for a moment — “Is she going to turn out like that?”
Now, the fact that he TOLD you about this is very, very good news. Had he been genuinely concerned you were just looking for a sugardaddy (my secret dream is that my lady fair is secretly rich and will be my sugarmommy. Sadly, if she is, well, it’s a secret to her as well.) he might have just clammed up and set up watchtowers for more signs.
Sounds to me like he had a twinge of that fear, and because he feels so close to you, he told you about it. Why? Because you’re close. Because it’s going on. Because he wanted to let you know where he’s at with stuff, in case you noticed him feeling a little “off.”
WHAT CAN YA DO?
So, onto your question. How can you make sure Mr. McDuck doesn’t think you’re only after his lucky charms? Couple of quickies:
- Actually don’t BE after his money: Always a good place to start. Sounds like you’re there.
- Suggest cheap/free stuff to do: One thing that might concern a dude who is overly sensitized to cashgrabbers might be a woman who always needs to be taken to the best, most expensive restaurants, etc. Plan a night at home where you make him dinner, or a picnic somewhere outside. Something romantic that has NOTHING to do with money, to let him know what’s really important.
- Make effort: A lot of the women who want the money ALSO want to be waited on hand and foot. (I don’t know why “hand and foot” is how people are waited on, but that’s how things are, so I suggest we all just get used to it.) Make sure he knows that you’re as interested in being good to him as he is to you.
- Put money in its place: Look, money is great. But it’s NOT why you’re with him, right? As in, if he was suddenly broke, you’d still love him like crazy, right? So don’t worry about what to do about this as much as you just let money be what it is. It’s nice, but it’s beside the point. The relationship is the point. The fact that he’s rich is just…well, it’s awesome. But not mandatory.
Good luck, Chloe. Sounds like you’re in good shape. If money’s not why you’re with him, then I don’t think you have to worry too much about it.
What’s your experience, ladies? Ever been with a rich guy who had been gold-dug before? How’d you calm him down about it? Or did you dig yourself?
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