Mindset of a Mistress

There are a lot of things that come to mind when you hear the word ‘mistress’, home wrecker, sex, sexy, slut, and the list goes on and on. What not too many people think of is low self-esteem. Let me tell you, darlings, I’ve not met too many mistresses who had great self esteem and that’s speaking from experience. The mindset of a mistress is a dark place, indeed. How do I know? I was a mistress. That is a sentence that I don’t say lightly. In fact,  just saying it makes me cringe. There was a time, a very naïve time in my life, where I thought this was a romantic and exciting title for myself. I was a fucking idiot. There is NOTHING glamorous about being a mistress (to be discussed in a later article). 

It’s all smoke and mirrors.

I lived with a false sense of sexiness. These married men wanted me, would risk being found out and ruining their marriage for me! What a high that was for a time. It took me a while to realize that this was not a compliment. I was a glorified booty call and these men certainly didn’t respect me. I was a new piece of ass, I was their mid life crisis, I was the reliving of their youth and bachelor days. I was their ego boost but nothing else. I could have been any woman, any warm body, and they would have been just as happy.

I had become used to being the “other” woman. It wasn’t a place I enjoyed being but I learned it was something I was good at. The thrill of doing something “naughty” became addicting. The risk of being caught and the passion they unleashed on me was a wonderful high. I used to be able to rationalize my actions by saying, “I’m not the one in a committed relationship. Their wrong is much more than mine.” But I know that’s bullshit. Women like me, willing to enter into affairs with married men, are the fear of every married woman.

Mindset of a Mistress

What is a “woman like me”? Well, let’s delve into the mindset of a mistress, shall we? First, she’s got awful self esteem and lower than low self worth. Don’t let the confidence and bravado fool you, she’s crying on the inside. Any mistress out there who tells you she is 100% happy in her role is a damned liar. No woman with self-esteem where it should be would ever settle for that role. Any woman confident in her self worth would demand more of a relationship than what a mistress gets.

When I started messing with my first married guy I’d just broken up with a guy who loved me and wanted to marry me but whom I had zero passion for. I was desperate to figure out why I was destined to evade happiness for something “more” and missing the heat of passion I’d sacrificed the prior two years. I caught eyes with him, saw the heat in his gaze, and I was lost.  It was what I’d been missing and the fact that it was forbidden made it so damn exciting for me.

The next time it happened it was a friend of mine who I’d always had a sexual tension with. We were drinking and he confessed how unhappy he was in his marriage, how his wife cringed at his touch, and how he feared touching her anymore because he couldn’t take another punch to the gut like that. My heart broke for him and years of sexual tension and friendship had me proving to him just how much his touch meant to me. I still battle with not feeling the guilt I should about that one.

That wasn’t the last time it happened. There were more guys, more times where I fell into the same trap. I told myself it was because I was too busy to date and they were convenient, they didn’t demand my time and I didn’t have to coddle them. I told myself I wasn’t the one breaking any oaths or promises and that somehow that made my part in it all okay. I was lying to myself. Luckily none of these guys were ever caught, but had they been, I’d have been just as guilty as they were.

The sad truth

I’m aware of how this confession makes me sound. I know it’s a sad reflection on the way I viewed and valued myself…trust me…I do. I settled for shells of relationships with men I had no business being with just to feel desired. I was pathetically taking what “belonged” to other women simply because these men expressed interest in me when others didn’t. Do you know how pathetic that is? Saying yes to whatever form of “love” you can get because you’re afraid no other love will come along; it is a sad place to be in life. That’s the true mindset of a mistress and it’s not sexy.

I know people will judge me on this behavior; don’t pretend you won’t, and don’t feel bad about it. I probably deserve to be judged for this behavior, and all I can say is that I changed. Somebody once told me that I’ll never be available to the right person, never look for something better, so long as I have these men in my life. That so long as I don’t demand more of myself and the relationships I allow in my life I will continue to settle.

I don’t settle anymore.