Regrets. We all have them, right? I am always interested in hearing what people count among theirs. Sometimes I am surprised at what they say: not having attended college X, not moving to that new city when they had the chance, not being ready for a relationship with The One when he was around - and interested.
In this article from HBO producer Sheila Nevins, she reveals the regrets of a group of older women; at a dinner party celebrating a mutual girlfriend’s 60th birthday they play the game Do It Yesterday. I was surprised - and saddened - to read of the deep regrets these women had - about marrying the wrong man, not having children and staying in the closet, among them. Not exactly throwaway comments about not learning to skydive or wishing you had backpacked through Europe.
It made me think about what I consider to be my own regrets, and ponder how I might answer if I were asked that question on the brink of my 6th decade. With that much living under one’s belt, it seems impossible not to have taken a wrong turn here or there, but what causes a complete derailment on the road of life, causing the equivalent of one’s own personal faultline? A crevice so deep everything else around it also succumbs. Is it actually the wrong turn, or our decision to stay on that course, even knowing deep down that it isn’t the right one, that’s the culprit?
If you are reading this blog, you’ve probably found yourself at an unexpected place in life. Whether it was your decision or a decision made for you by an ex, YOU ARE HERE. Probably single, maybe unemployed, and definitely pondering your next steps. What these next steps are will determine how you answer the question 30 years down the road: What are your regrets?
We can’t regret someone else’s behavior. But we can regret our reaction to it (happens all the time, right?) But then what? Once you realize it’s a regret, what do you do with it?
I’m learning something: there is a big difference between happy people and sad people, and I’m getting the feeling that the happy people’s regret columns are a lot shorter. Sad people tend to need more paper. Why is that? You can bet it’s not because the happy person has never taken a misstep. Granted, it’s not as simple as “turning lemons into lemonade” (a phrase that generally really rubs me the wrong way). We all make mistakes because we’re human. To try and avoid mistake making is to live a life of constant fear, the quickest route to Regret City. It’s the ability to look at a situation, size it up and move forward, that will shift your list from column A to column B.
I am not suggesting this shift happens overnight. This is where the lemonade comment tends to get on my nerves. The process of acknowledging that something isn’t a good fit for us can take months, even years. The journey can’t be rushed. But when the answer makes itself known, it’s time for action.
It’s in those moments that I think we have the power to avoid living a life of regrets. A series of definitive moments allows us to choose our paths and change course when need be. Recognize your choices and the fact that life is a fluid process.
Do I regret ever getting into a relationship that would ultimately hurt me? It’s complicated, because then I have to imagine what I would have been doing instead all those years. And that’s a slippery slope. It happened. I was a conscious part of it. Now it’s time for the next phase. When I am 60, if someone asked me if I regretted the relationship, I would say no. However, if they asked me about my life that followed, I want to be able to say no, too. That’s where I am right now. At one of my definitive moments. My choices now will make all the difference in how I answer later.
I am listening very closely to myself about what I want and not panicking about what I don’t yet have the answers to. What’s that phrase, you won’t regret the things you did, but rather the things you didn’t do. Yeah, I agree with that.
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