There’s things I remember and things I forget


I remember the first would be anniversary that passed after each of my divorces. It was a wistful time where I thought over what had happened and maybe cried a little. It was a painful reminder of failure. and I knew, I just knew that that date would forever be a struggle for me. I would always remember.


Today when I woke up, it was Tuesday morning. My first day back to work this week. I was tired, getting out of bed was a struggle as always. I started thinking about what I needed to get done at work as I did my hair. It was the same as every other morning. I had the news on in the background and heard them announce the date and time. That stopped me for a moment…. the date was familiar. Was I supposed to do something today? I checked the calendar but there were no appointments or plans. Maybe it was a meeting at work? I decided to check that calendar too when I got into the office, then I pushed the nagging feeling aside and finished getting ready for work.

It wasn’t until I was in the car and halfway to work that I realized what it was. This was my would be wedding anniversary. As in, it would be if I were still married, which I’m not. (Now my anti-versary, according to GoodbyeGal.) It is the second time this date has passed since the divorce. Last year I reflected on the divorce and the angst and the pain. I knew I’d never forget. Except this year, I did just that.

I totally forgot. When I finally remembered, it didn’t even matter. I rolled it around in my mind and my heart and tried to feel something, but I didn’t. Nothing. Not love, not hate, not regret. No wistful memories or angry recollections. No bitterness. Just… nothing. And I wondered, is this normal?

Is it normal to forget? Does it eventually just blend into another day, a non-event? Is it possible that this day that was once the happiest day I’d ever known had turned into a nothing? Am I broken somehow because it no longer matters? Am I heartless? Or just forgetful? Or is it healthy that the significance and all related feelings are gone?
My mother always said the opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. I pondered this for a while and then tried to think about the anti-versary of my first wedding. And I can’t even remember the date. Is this what it means to be over something?

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