Aside from my severe neck pain and migraines this week. (I’m use to it from years ago when an old injury flared up….
Work has been….quiet. The invisible edge and apprehension is still there. All projects carry a sort of “weight” or heft to them.
Kind of like swimming with the wrong clothes and steel-toed boots. Sometimes.
The high maintenance client has also been quiet and reserved. Civil and human at times.
Pleasant could be used in a sentence.
There should be an asterisks in there. A disclaimer.
I think I resolved a hiccup…I think.
That could blow up tomorrow.
Could.
I’ve been beaten down so many times daily…I can’t enjoy these quiet days.
Now I’m upset I can’t be happy.
During my appt the other day at the VA hospital, I mentioned stress is still haunting me.
I shared my skipped record syndrome.
I’m meeting with a counselor again, but he or she is more aligned with Veterans.
They….get us.
Maybe we can narrow down which switch is rusted shut, or open….or miswired. Or totally missing.
I joked with him that I want that “Good Will Hunting” moment.
“….it’s not your fault….”
Someone very close to me offered that maybe I like punishing myself. I like the depression.
That and some scary horoscopes that are just a little too close to me.
(I don’t believe in them…but these suckers were scary)
The theme this past week was how death brings out the worse in families.
Again, a close friend lost her Dad and the immediate family needs to be Baker-Acted.
Then later this week, my wife was telling her best friend our version of family losing thier minds, humanity and tact within the first hour of the funeral.
(Tagging items at the grandfather’s house).
Yes….little bastards.
I was still “new” to my extended family and in-laws. So I kept quiet. I didn’t understand the dynamics and family history.
If that shit happened now….I would have choked the bastard and tossed him onto of his grandfather’s casket to save money.
To clarify….this was grandchild #3 or 4 on the food chain…laying claim to everything of value. And his sister who was…also #3-5 on the family tree claimed shit.
Feel free to wretch.
I’ll wait.
(Sipping wine….)
Okay. Back to this thread.
Even if a “good” week passed, I would still expect to die a horrible death of confidence from something being criticized.
I’m almost treating it like a game with difficult customers and/or instructors from my college days.
Bring it on….$&@%#!!!!
I’m going to see this damn project through to the end.
Somehow.
And then maybe….after I turn in my contractor badge….
And the laptop….
I will smile.
Exhale.
….and sleep deeply.
Cheers.
Cheers.
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